Jokes

[knowledgehungry]

During the anarchy that was the board change there was a jokes topic, they were mostly rascist. When i heard these i HAD to post them.

A black husband and wife are sitting in the living room watching the TV with their year-old baby. Suddenly the baby wails "Mother!" The husband jumps up in excitement and says, "Did you hear that? Our son just said half a word!"

A white man walks into a bar and says to the black bartender. "Nigger, get me a beer." The bartender replies, "excuse me?" "Did you not hear me? I said 'nigger get me a beer.'" The bartender, now very upset, says, "don't you feel that you should talk like that in this day and age". "I will if I want to," said the white man. "I'm the one ordering." The bartender says, "How would you feel if we changed places?" The white man agrees and goes behind the counter. The black man, now the customer says, "Cracker Jack ass-hole, get me a beer". The white man turns to the black man and says, "We don't serve niggers!

There are three guys sitting at a bar: a German, an Italian, and a black guy. Jesus Christ himself walks into the bar and over to them. He touches the German guy and says, "broken leg, you're healed." Then Christ walks to the Italian touches him and says, "sprained ankle, you're healed." Both men are now healed and then Christ walks over to the black guy and goes to touch him, and he pulls away quickly and shouts, "don't touch me I am on disability!"

why are trees in harlem so close toghether
for public transportation

Two black guys walk into a bar and they see a white guy in a Klan hat and he says, "no blacks allowed." The black guys say, "didn't you ever hear of the Emancipation Proclamation?" The guy in the klan hat says, "no, I don't listen to hip hop."

A black man was walking and he came by a lake. At the lake he saw a Chinese man skipping rocks across it. The rocks were making sounds as they went across. CHING CHANG CHONG. The black man asked what he was doing. He said he was communicating with his ancestors. The black man said, "let me try that". He picked up a rock and skipped it across the lake. They went CHIM-PAN-ZEE. He got mad, picked up a big log and threw it down, it went BABOON!

Why are all black people fast?
all the slow ones are in jail

What is the most confusing holiday in the African American community?
Father's Day

A Truck Driver has to deliver 330 black Brunswick bowling balls to Arkansas. Along the way he sees a black guy hitchhiking, so he pulls over and says "I'll give ya a ride but there's no room up here in the cab get in the back with the balls." So he does. A little further down the road he sees another black guy with a flat tire on his bike, and he too is lookin' for a ride, so the driver tells him that he'll be glad to give him a ride but he has to ride in back with the balls. He agrees. So just as there getting into Arkansas they get pulled over by a detective and a rookie. The detective tells the rookie to get the drivers credentials and he'll check the cargo. As the rookie is getting the paperwork the detective runs to the front of the truck and tells the driver to get the hell out of Arkansas, so he goes on his way. As the two cops are walking back to the car the rookie asks why he let the driver go and he replied, "son, he had a truck full of Negro eggs, two hatched and one already stole a bike

Have you ever heard of Ku Klux Kanieval?
He tried to jump 50 blacks with a steam roller.

[Cyclonite]

Heres a good one
How do you make an eight year old girl cry twice?
Wipe the blood off your dick with her teddy bear:D

[Sarevok]

Originally posted by Cyclonite
Heres a good one
How do you make an eight year old girl cry twice?
Wipe the blood off your dick with her teddy bear:D
This one is amusing Cyclonite! :D

The question/answer jokes below I copied to a .txt from a webpage some time ago.

Q: What's the best thing about having a daughter?
A: THE SEX!

Q: What's the best part about fucking a seven year-old?
A: Hearing the pelvis crack.

Q: What's the worst part about fucking a seven year-old?
A: Getting the blood on your clown suit.

Q: What's bad about fucking a nine year-old?
A: Knowing a seven year-old is tighter.

Q: What do you do after eating bald pussy?
A: Put the diaper back on it.

Q: What's blue and squirms in the corner?
A: Baby in a plastic baggie.

Q: What's green and sits still in the corner?
A: Same baby, two weeks later.

Q: What cries a lot and runs around in circles?
A: Baby with a foot nailed to the floor.

[Cyclonite]

How many Jews can you fit in a car?
2 in the front 3 in the back and about 1000 in the ashtray

[xyz]

Was Princess Diana on the radio the day she died?

Yes, she was on the steering wheel and the dashboard too.

[Monkey_Poo69]

LOL nice one xyz


Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?

A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.


Q: What does a redneck say after sex?

A: Thanks Mom.

Q: How do you kill 100 Mexicans?

A: Blow up their van.


Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.


Q: What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumband blind girl?
A: Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.



Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.


Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
A: Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out


Q: Why aren't there any puerto ricans on Star Trek?
A: They won't work in the future either.


Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.


I got all these from www. thisisacryforhelp.com (I dont mean any of these jokes, I just find them funny)

[Mr Cool]

Q. What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
A. I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

I still haven't been able to work out why dead baby jokes are funny.

[Flake2m]

whats a rednecks idea of foreplay?
Are you awake Mum

What do you call an abo in a red suit?
A jaffa

What do you call a load of abos in a freezer?
stiff shit

What do you do if you see an abo driving a ferrari?
call the police

Why dont pygmies use tampons?
they'd trip over the string

[Efraim_barkbit]

what did god say when he created the first nigger??
- Oh shit

why don´t sharks attack niggers?
they mistake them for whale shit

whats the similarity between a tractor tire and a nigger??
both work best in chains

A nigger is waiting for the bus, and he had to take a shit, but there were no WC around, so he pulls down his pants and make a big pile at the bus-stop.
when the bus comes, the nigger asks how much the ticket costs. then the bus driver says:
10 for you and 5 for your kid.

(these were translated from swedish, as good as I could)

[a_bab]

What's the difference between an american white cow and an american black cow ?
The american white cow saids "Moooo" and the american black cow saids "Moooo, man !"

[Cyclonite]

There was an indian and a cowboy, the indian tied up his horse sheep and dog and went into a store. When the indian came out the cowboy asked the indian if he could talk to his dog, the indian said "dog no talk" well the cowboy said "ill give it a shot anyway". "So dog how ya doing"? To the indians amazment the dog replied "Not bad, the indian gives me water takes me on walks and takes good care of me". The cowboy proceeded to ask if he could talk to the horse, the indian said "horse no talk". The cowboy tried anyways, "hey horse hoes it going?" the horse replied "pretty good, the indian keeps me in the shade and takes care of me pretty good.The indians eyes almost popped out and his jaw dropped. The cowboy then proceeded to ask if he could talk to the sheep, the indian though for a moment and said "sheep lie". :D

[xyz]

One day little jimmy was in the lounge room playing with his train set. His mum was in the kitchen. He moved the train around the track and then stopped it and said "Everybody get the fuck off the train, this is the last station, everybody on the platform stay the fuck off the train because this is the last fucking station", and his mum came running in and said "Jimmy! How dare you use such language, go up to your room for 2 hours to think about what you did! So Jimmy goes up to his room for 2 hours and then comes back and starts playing with his train set again. He moves the train around the tracks and then says "Could everybody please get off the train as this is the last station, Could everbody on the platform please stay off the train as this is the last station, and If you are angry about having to wait 2 hours to get off the train, talk to the fat bitch in the kitchen".

What did the black kid get for christmas?
My bike.

Ever wondered why niggers are somtimes called boongs in Australia?
Bullbars are in widespread use over here.

SMACK
Passenger: What was that?
Driver: Just a nigger
Passenger: Oh, OK
Clang Clang Clang SMACK
Passenger: What was that?
Driver: Another nigger
Passenger: But what were the clanging noises?
Driver: The fences I had to go through to get him

[Anthony]

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand...

[Anthony]

Q: When is a door not a door?

A :When it's ajar!



What did Adolf Hitler say before his troops got into their tanks?

'Troops get into your tanks.'



Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big
showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who’s anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of
movies and music, fashion and art.

There’s the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne,
Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar,
Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing “Light My
Fire”,
and over in the corner, George Peppard’s getting very pally with Sophia
Loren.

All’s going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he’s bored out
of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a
good book.

”Oi, Jim,” objects Michael Caine, “party’s just got started. How’s
about I get one of ‘the ladies’ to take you into the spare bedroom for
a bit of the ‘how’s yer father?’”


”Fair play,” nods Jim [well that’s not his exact words, but you get
the gist], “as long as she does the rest of the band too.”

”Not a problem, Jim,” smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly
bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in
walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

”Alright, luv?” he drones, “don’t suppose you fancy extending that
service to me, do you?”

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says “What the
hell!” and proceeds to unzip Ringo’s fly and get to work.

Ringo’s having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end,
the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one
by

the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!

”Wh-what was that for?” she whimpers.
”I told you,” Caine snarls.

(wait for it)

”You’re only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off...”

:D


Dude is driving along through town when suddenly the traffic comes to complete gridlock, and he can't see any reason. He see's a Police Orificer walking between the traffic talking to drivers. After a few minutes, the cop reachs dude's car.

"What's going on officer?" dude asks.

"A Frenchman is standing in the road up front and refuses to move! He says he's had enough, his wife left him for his father, his dog died and he's been diagnosed with AIDs. On top of that he's in huge debt. He's threatening to dose himself in petrol and set himself ablaze! "

"Oh my!" exclaims d00d.

"So yeah" says the cop "we're having a bit of a whip round to help him out"

"How much have you collected thus far?"

"Half a gallon..."

:P

[nbk2000]

Q: What's an Oakie virgin?
A: A girl who can outrun her father.

Q: What's an Oakie mother?
A: A girl who couldn't outrun her brothers.

Q: What's Oakie foreplay?
A: *SMACK* Get me another beer, bitch!

Q: What's black, blue, and red all over?
A: Dead nigger cop. :D

Q: How many jews does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: "Replace a light bulb? Oi! You know how much electricity costs?! Sunlight is free!"

Q: What's the difference between an African-American and a nigger?
A: 9 letters.

Q: What's the difference between a nigger and shit?
A: :confused: There is one?

Q: Know how the Grand Canyon was created?
A: A jew dropped a quarter down a gopher hole.

Q: What's Oakie chess?
A: Checkers.

A frenchman, brit, Texan, and mexican are on a plane when the engine die. The pilot comes running out of the cockpit wearing a parachute and carrying a spare. He throws the spare to the four passengers and says "That's the only one I've got left. Decide amoungst yourselves, 'cause I'm outta' here!" before jumping out of the plane.

They look at each other for a second before the brit stands up, shouts "God save the Queen", and jumps out the plane to his death.

The frenchman stands up, shouts "Viva La France!", and jumps out to his death.

The Texan and mexican look at each other before the Texan picks up the mexican, throws him out the door, and yells "Remember the Alamo!"

:D

[xyz]

A mexican, an african american, and an aboriginal all in a car. Who's driving?

The police.

[Leadazide]

1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what
is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during
sex?
Call her.


4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is
fucking her.

6. What should you do if your girlfriend
starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

7. What's the difference between oral sex
and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes
your [w]hole weak.

8. How many sexists does it take to change
a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

9.What's the difference between
pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease; the other's an
agricultural problem.

10. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to
match the stove and
refrigerator.


11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black
eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already. (My favorite!! ) :)

12. How many men does it take to open a
beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it in.

13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at
you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

15. What is the difference between a
battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

16. What are the three fastest means of
communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman

17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot
more than once, and they eat what
they shoot.

18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends
find out.

19. What should you give a woman who has
everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in
the end you lose
your house.

21. Why does a bride smile when she walks
up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

22. What's the difference between a bitch
and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party
while a bitch sleeps with
everyone at
the party except you.

23. What's the difference between your wife
and your job?
fter 10 years the job still sucks.

24. What's the difference between love,
true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

25. Why is the space between a women's
breasts and her hips called
a
waist"?
Because you could easily fit another pair
of tits in there.

26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder
Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where her
tits went.

27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look
good?
Put a nipple on it.

28. Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen
in the first place?!

29. Why are there no female astronauts on
the moon?
'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.

30. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet
than on your dick

[Tuatara]

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a skunk?

A smell you will never forget!

-------------------

A sausage and an egg are sitting in a frying pan.

Suddenly the sausage pipes up and says to the egg " Its getting a bit warm in here, isn't it?"

The egg says " Oh my god! A talking sausage!"

------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here"

------------------
Is there another word for synonym?

------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant.

------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

------------------
Why is the Alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

------------------
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

------------------
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

------------------
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

------------------
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

[Anthony]

The following are actual excerpts (supposedly ;)) from history reports and tests from America's finest high schools and colleges. Spelling has been preserved.

1. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics..

3. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

4. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

5. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

6.The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers.

7. Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

9. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

10. Middle Eastern history was written by Florence of Arabia.

11. The Soviets erected the Berlin Mall?.

12. Corruption grew especially ripe in Zaire, where Mobutu was known to indulge in more than an occasional little armadillo..

13. The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor..

14. During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.

15. Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption.

16. Roman girls who did not marry could become Vestigal Virgins, a group of women who were dedicated to burning the internal flame..

17. History is nothing more than the behind of the present.

18. This gives incites from the anals of the past..

19. Civil rights leader Martin Luther Junior was slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous "If I Had A Hammer" speech.

20. World War II began turning around when the Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg.

21. Hitler shot himself in the bonker.

22. Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia

23. Spartacus led a slave rebellion in ancient Rome and then appeared in a movie about it later.

24. Judyism had one big God named Yahoo.

25. Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door.

26. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, and comedies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

27. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

28. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.

29. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

30. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

31. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

32. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

33. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

34. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

35. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

36. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

37. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

38. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

39. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

40. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense..

41. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

42. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

43. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

44. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

45. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

46. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

47. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

48. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he rote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

49. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

50. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

[blindreeper]

Q: What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels in a mini skirt

[vulture]

A pilot of a helicopter service has to fly a bussinessman to an important meeting.
During the flight the weather gets worse and 2 miles from the airport the helicopter flies into the thickest fog the pilot has ever seen.
After flying around in circles for an hour, the pilot suddenly spots the windows of a rather large building appearing out of the fog.
As the pilot keeps the helicopter steady he asks the passenger to write "Where are we?" on a piece of cardboard and hold it up.
Someone spots it and proceeds to write a reply:
"In a helicopter"

The pilot waves to the man and flies away, succesfully landing at the airport 10 minutes later.
"How the hell did you know where we are? That information was totally useless!"
"Exactly" says the pilot "It was precise, but absolutely useless. So it had to be the Microsoft helpdesk."


Joey makes a journey in a hot air balloon, flying miles and miles and finally touches down in a cornfield. He spots a man coming toward him and asks: "Sir, can you tell me where I am?"
The man says: "Certainly, you are in a basket in a field of corn."
Joey replies: "You must be a statistician."
"That's amazing, how did you know that?" The man asks.
"Easy", says Joey, "your information is concise, precise and absolutely useless!"

A statistician waded through a stream with an average depth of 1 meter....and drowned...

In god we trust, others must have data.


G.W. Bush is visiting the Queen mum and asks her how he should lead a succesful government.
That's easy the Queen says, just surround yourself with intelligent people. She picks up the phone and orders Tony Blair in.
Five minutes later Tony Blair comes in and says what service is it that you require my Queen?
Solve this question for me the Queen says; Your parents have a kid, but it's not your sister nor your brother. Who is it?
Thats easy, says Tony, that would be me.
See? says the Queen to Dubya.

Dubya returns to Washington D.C. and asks Dick Cheney into the office. Dick, solve this problem for me will ya? Your parents have a child, it's not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?
Geez, says Dick, let me think about that, I'll come back to you later.

So Dick wanders around the whitehouse, asking every assistant, but nobody knows the answer. Frustrated, he walks into the toilet and spots the shoes of Colin Powell coming out under a cabin door.
Hey Colin! Dick shouts - I have a question for you!
Shoot! replies Colin.
Your parents have a child, it's not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?
That's easy! says Colin That would be me.

Dick runs back to Dubya and grabs him by the arm, all excited. I have found the answer! Really? says Dubya
Yep, it's Colin Powell!

You ignorant fool! shouts Dubya while he slaps Dick across the face - It's Tony Blair you idiot!

[Anthony]

"In god we trust, others must have data"

There's a brass plaque above the till (cash register) in my local that reads: "In God we trust, all others pay cash" :)

[nbk2000]

Anthony, #50 on your list is incorrect.

The correct version is:

50. Adolf Hitler discovered a cure for rabbis.

:D

[mrloud]

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my bike?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[ElectricJesus]

What do you get when you nut in a 7 year olds eye?



A shovel so you can bury the corpse.

[Al Nobel]

http://www.happytreefriends.com/watch_episodes/index.html#

[Al Nobel]

http://www.thisisacryforhelp.com/

Take a look at the dead baby section (very funny!).

[Arthis]

Haha, I was looking for HTMDA on google, look at the 10 best HIGH explosives (http://www.totse.com/en/bad_ideas/ka_fucking_boom/10great.html) according to Totse, it's really the joke of the year ! :D

[arm]

God thats funny,

Potassium Permanganate and Sugar, wtf? Now theres a mixture that is garanteed to blow both your hands off at some unexpected moment!

[Haggis]

That isn't as funny as it is sad.

[Arthis]

What can we do about it ? When starting in explosives we tend to believe what we are said... At the very beginning I thought that ACB was a great book ! Then I found this forum before having done any stupid stuffs. The fault is because of the mods that may be as stupid as their members.

Do you realize the number of bad posts if the mods here were stupid ? Skilled chemists would go away and it would end up in another totse. The best would be to give them a chance to become good, for example by giving them the link of the Forum; but I think many would be quickly banned. Damn it's easier to stay on Totse reading craps that make them think they're good than moving to here where there are lot of of topics they cannot understand. They must realize that if it's too easy then it's craps for sure ;)

[nbk2000]

Let's keep it on topic, eh fellas? ;)

Yes, TOTSE and Bombshock blow, but this has to do with their moderation (or lack thereof).

Believe it or not, back in the last millenium, we too were k3W|_!

(:eek: "Say it ain't so Joe!")

Then, one day, a wise stranger came to town from the west. He saw anarchy and chaos running rampant. With quick fingers, and deadly aim, he eliminated the morons. After having a sit down with the local citizens, they elected him sheriff, to bring law and order to the frontier town.

After years of mercilessly driving off the vagrants and outlaws, mandating continuing education for the citizens, and instilling a sense of town pride into the populace, they elected him mayor. Thus is my story. :)

Unfortunately for the "competition" *snicker*, there's only one NBK and he's here. :p So they'll just have to wade through the pools of human excrement that pass for their membership, since their "moderators" are just as stupid as any of their members.

I'm sure the vast majority of their members have, at one time or another, posted here and been eviscerated within hours (if not minutes) of their first postings.

We apply a most merciless form of eugenics here, with the goal being the improvement of the pyro species. Anyone coming here (the Forum) had better bring something to the discussion, or they'll quickly find themselves impaled on the pointy ends of my claws.

[A-BOMB]

A quote from a klansman: the only good nigger was the one that thought up peanutbutter

a question to a klansman, if you could go back in time and kill one person who would it be? Hitler? Lee Harve Oswald? Pikes Wilks Booth? I would go back and kill that nigger that invented the stop light

With all these jokes I nearly fell out of my chair, I remember the funniest think I ever saw, I was in the bar with my dad talking to Donny the owner and his son about this house he was building out back, when this nigger came in asking to directions to Falling Water(they never see the sign that said falling water 1 mile ahead) well anyway huey bigam(it may have been junior bower) looks up and said ok now who brought the negro, well then he just got this holy shit face like he walked into a bar full of klansmen (well he pretty much did but for me and my dad) he shoot out of there like I dont know what. That must of been one of tthe funniest things I had ever saw.

That reminds me I have to call junior bower and see if he'll sell me a part for my double auto, that guy must have 2 of every gun ever made, for 20+ years when he got his pay check at the end of the week at the mill he would got to a gun store in connelville and buy 2 of the same type of gun, and if he liked it he would go buy a few more. He must have atleast a 1000+ guns in this vault of his, and he doesn't shoot any of them except for this old model 1894 winchester and this old 16 gauge savage pump.

[inFinie]

A stammerer said to a stammerer if you have half an hour, let's talk five minutes

What does a dog says when you pull its tail like hell?
Nothing, dogs can't talk.

He said lie, i lied,
he said open, i opened,
he get his tool out and inserted.
When he made his job done, i was blooding and i was really afraid.
I was in pain. Thank's to god my tooth was taken off by the dentist.

Why do the cows swings their tails?
Because their tails can't swing them.

Have you ever seen an elephant hidden under a clover?
No? Then it hid itself really good.:D

Do you have a louse shampoo? The animals get real dirt.

I got 1 mark over 100 in history lesson but i nevermind, important thing is participating.

A prisoner, sitting in the electricity chair, said to the guardian: I am so afraid, would you hold my hand?

How old are you?
I don't know it changes every year.

Two guys were arguing about what to drink. One says milk other says coffee. Then they agreed "If the first passer is male we will drink milk, else if it is female we will drink coffee"
A gay passed and they drunk milky coffee

Translations from Turkish

[vulture]

Saddam Hoessein is driven through the outskirts of baghdad in his limo when suddenly a pig crosses the street. The driver can't avoid it and runs it over. Saddam tells his driver to retrieve to corpse and to compensate the owners. So, the driver walks off, looking for the owners.
1 hour passes, no driver.
2 hours pass, no driver.
3 hours pass, still no driver.
After four hours the driver comes back, totally drunk, clothes al wrinkled, lipstick all over his face.

What the fuck happened to you? Saddam screams? I don't know, says, the driver, I found the owners and when I told them what happened they started a party, served their best wine and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me.
What on earth did you tell them? Saddam asks?
Well, erh, let me see ... it was something like "I am the driver of Saddam Hoessein and I killed the pig"

[Tuatara]

I was cogitating on the way words can change their meaning over time, like 'bonus' used to be a rude word, and 'gay' used to mean happy.

Well ' faggot' used to mean 'a bundle of firewood'.
So witches would be sentenced to 'Burn on a pile of oiled faggots!'

What sort of image does that conjure up today?

[yt2095]

on a similar theme the diffenet meaning between words in USA and the UK

uk: "fag" =cigarette
uk: "bumming" is anal sex as opposed to USA: to being idle, or scrounging
uk: "Lift" USA: elevator etc..

so if you were caught bumming a fag in a lift, i wonder if you`de get strange looks from people in the lobby?

[Bitter]

This (http://alexkidd.com/show_comments.php3?name=camera%20j) isn't really a joke, but I thought it was bloody hillarious. Especially after you've listened to it for five minutes.

[yt2095]

ROFLOL.

ok, back at ya....

go onto google search, type in the search box "french military victories"
then click the [i feel lucky] button.

i could say more... but i`m not going to :P

[frogfot]

Huh, heres what i made while waiting for my NG to neutrolise:

http://www30.brinkster.com/frogfot/stuff/frog.wmv

EDIT: Oh, copy and paste the link. (btw, the video have sound too, dont forget to turn up the speakers.. :) )

[chemwarrior]

Hmm, your link doesnt seem to work...

Edit- Thanks for the fix.

[A-BOMB]

Ok Frogfot that was just weird, nice animation though :p

[frogfot]

Now this is really weird:
www30.brinkster.com/frogfot/stuff/sklizozator_0001.wmv (copy&past)

I made this crap whole night, it consists of 130 secuences... :eek: ..oh, it's 3:40 AM here, so i probably gonna sleep now.. :o

[xyz]

Check this out, it makes new names for people (no, I didn't make it)

http://www.gliebster.com/stuff/name-o-matic/

nbk2000 and green beret both have rather embarassing new names (nbk can simply type in "nbk" instead of "nbk2000" to get a more accurate description of himself)

[IPN]

I didn't know that I'm a dynamic mastermind :D

[frogfot]

Be aware of Foolish Demon :D
What algorithm do those things have? I've seen similar thing that generated hobbit names :P

Btw, i like this: frog = Violent Conqueror

[A-BOMB]

my forum name it the "Drunk Shellfisherman" or my real it "Midnight Desporodo"

[kingspaz]

ahahahah...i'm a Drunken Hunter :D

god knows how it got that from kingspaz :confused:

[Tuatara]

My online name got me 'Pesty Beggar', my real name got me 'Violent Wizard'.

Well done XYZ, a most amusing link!

[chemwarrior]

Hehe, Im either 'Shrieking Scholar' or 'Phantom Commander'

I like:D

[Spudkilla]

I am "Lazy-assed Overlord" with my real name, or "Expert observer" with my forum name.

[Sarevok]

I am Intellectual Menace with "Sarevok" and Fearless Genius with my real name.

The name of my father gives Mad Demon. Its damn right.

"Adolf Hitler" gives Fearless Artist. He was a painter.
"Alexander the Great" gives Irate Contender.
"George Bush" gives Excessive Bandit.
"Jesus Christ" gives Respected Bandit.
"Bill Gates" gives Money-Grubbing Bastard.
"Timothy McVeigh" gives Respected Menace.
"Jehovah" gives Mighty Dominator.

Enough! I'm scared.

[Anthony]

I notice many people have plugged in their real name and posted the result, I wonder how easy it would be to reverse the algorithm to reveal your real names? :)

[Sonny Jim]

Well, it is debateable as to whether McVeigh is respected.

[Nihilist]

I don't think the algorithim can be reversed(at least not to one single name) seeing as it has produced the same name for different inputs.

[Cyclonite]

Spudkilla my forum name is Expert observer also, strange.

[blindreeper]

Fourm name I am the amazing engineer - w00t
Real name I am the beloved technician.
BTW I enterd "beloved technician" and ended up with master knight :confused:

[I_am_the_Black_one]

Real name:Cyber Mercenary
Black_one:Respected Overlord
I_am_the_Black_one:Insane Thong
john howard:Crazy Magician
Britney spears:Gentlemen Demon
Hanson:Arrogant Beggar
savage garden:Smiling Dominator
ICP:Pink Ambassador (Ambassador for fags maybe?)

This thing would be very good at harvesting words for use in a Meta wordlist....
EDIT: ohh I gotta add this I put in my name with my middle name in it and got:Fearless Dyper cmon try not to laugh

hey I said NOT to laugh:mad:

[Flake2m]

My real name: The shrieking thong :eek:. Why did I have to get such a crap name?

Nickname: Virtual Conqueror. This name is bit better.

I enter my full name into the generator and I got: Drunken Scholar

[a_bab]

Well, the generator it's a funny thing, of course, but the algorithm I guess pulls out a name from a DB accordingly to a number generated from the decimal values of the name letters (and maybe numbers) within a certain range.

The problem is IF the inputs are logged :(

[I_am_the_Black_one]

My point exactly maybe we should lay off the toy for a little wile?

Bring on the jokes..........

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better... Just thought you'd like to know



While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 km/h over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find cop with a radar gun on the other side Laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."



One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

[yt2095]

a B-52 pilot with a single fighter escort flying on a long journey.
the fighter pilot starts to get a bit bored and does a few aerobatic tricks, the B-52 pilot radios him and asks if everything is ok?
the reply, "sure, i`m just enjoying flying this super fine jet while your stuck in that crate flying slow". he says i`ll bet you can`t do this, the fighter pilot did a spin then assumed his correct formation.
well this went on for some time, the B-52 pilot was getting a bit annoyed when the fighter pilot said "anything you can do I can do better!"
at this point the B-52 pilot said "Ok, it`s a deal, watch this"
the fighter pilot watched...and waited ..and watched....
perplexed the fighter pilot radioed "ok, so what did you do???"
the B-52 pilot radioed back "we just turned 2 of our engines off, your call" :D

[I_am_the_Black_one]

I havent laughed that hard in ages...

An oldie but a goldie

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Al Nobel]

I`m the Jolly Killer :D .

[Imperial]

Why do people shit in the gutters in Australia?
So the Abos can have breakfast in bed!

A boy walks up to his father and goes "Dad, are we Abo or Jews?" the father goes "Well I am an abo, my father was abo and my grandfather was an abo!" So then the boy goes to his mother and asks "are we Abos or Jews?" she goes "well my mum was a Jew and her mum was a Jew." So then the mother asks "Why do you want to know?" and the boy goes "There is a bike down the road. I was wondering if I should steal it for myself or steal it and sell it to someone?"

What do you call an abo in a car?
A thief.
What about an abo in a good car?
A good thief.
And a bunch of abos in a van?
Organised crime.

How do you teach a dumb blonde math?
You subtract the clothes, divide the legs, give her a square root and hope she doesn't multiply.

Why did the abo cross the road?
A liquor store was across road from the bank he just robbed!

LOL I am not posting my real name, because I am sure someone will find a way to reverse it!
For this forum name, I got Tough Genius. For another forum name which features my first real name I got Insane Assassin, and Shrieking Demon for what I used to use!

[zeocrash]

http://www.righto.com/anarchy/random.html
it's every crapbook rolled into one

[Imperial]

LOL That one is always good for a laugh.

An excellent thing which isn't *really* a joke is this thread in Banned for Life. It's freaking funny!

http://www.roguesci.org/theforum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1499

Just this whole mention of crapbooks reminded me of the kewl who got banned there!

[I_am_the_Black_one]

Could one possibly get dumber?
I remember that post I almost wet my self reading it.

(Start shizzloater) Yo cuz cheak out the bomb Azz
Shizzolator (http://asksnoop.com/). Yo Cuz get you dumb black ass ofer ther and ask snoop. (END Shizzolator)

Not really funny.....

But try loading a porn page :D

The Hun ECT

[Tuatara]

What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the back of a tortoise?

" Wheeeeeeee! "

-----------------------------------------------

What do you call a cow without legs?

A Ranch Slider

----------------------------------------------

A young guy is walking through the park one day, when a frog calls out to him.
" If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful woman"
The guy stops, picks up the frog, puts her in his pocket, and continues his walk. Later he takes the frog out for a look and the frog says
"Kiss me and not only will I turn into a beautiful woman, I promise to be your girlfriend too!"
Without a word the guy stuffs the frog back in his pocket and continues walking.
Later still, he takes the frog out again. This time the frog puts on her most pleading expression and says
"Oh please kiss me ! I'm really beautiful, I'll marry you and stay with you forever. I'll clean and cook and wash you socks! I'll fill your nights with passion! Oh why wont you kiss me?"
The guy looks at the frog for a moment, then replies
"Sorry, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog is cool!"

[Anthony]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First muffin says to second muffin "hot in here ain't it?", second muffin screams "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

:)

[vulture]

Some kewl mockery of mine:
http://www.sciencemadness.org/talk/viewthread.php?tid=166&page=1#pid7960

[knowledgehungry]

Oh sure rub it in our faces that we arent cool and great like you vulture since we dont have the password to get in it, that hurts my feelings.

[kingspaz]

knowledgehungry, i think he forgot that everyone who isn't a member would not know the password. he wouldn't go out of his way to cause trouble.

[knowledgehungry]

Yes i was well aware of that, i was just letting him know in a humourous(attempted) manner that we cant see it, so if he wanted to copy and paste or something he could.

[chemwarrior]

Written by Vulture-

Kewl Mockery

I decided to enlighten you all with some of my kewl recipies....

Number one:

Everybody who has worked with nitric acid has seen the yellow stains it creates on your skin. This is actually nitrated amino acid. Nitrated amino acids created by nitric acid burns are not explosive, however, there is an explosive variant which I will describe here:

You need:

-Your skin (the more surface area the better! Callanetics die!)
- fuming nitric acid
- oleum (H2SO4 with dissolved SO3)
- nitric acid resistant swimming trousers (unless you also want to prepare nitrogenitals)
- large ice bath
- 30% Hydrogen peroxide (60% is even better)
- (para)formaldehyde

1) desinfect yourself with the mixture of (para)formaldehyde and hydrogen peroxide. If you can not get (para)formaldehyde you can also do it with only the hydrogen peroxide.
2)Prepare the nitrating mixture by adding the sulfuric acid to the nitric acid.
3)prepare the ice bath, undress(don't forget the swimming trousers unless...) and submerge yourself in it. If you want it done properly, you can totally submerge and provide oxygen for yourself by dropping some sand in the hydrogen peroxide and lead a tube to your mouth.
Wait till your body temperature is 30C.
4)Let someone else pour the nitrating mix over you but beware of runaway nitration, this could cause a spontaneous orgasm to occur.
5)Wait till your skin has turned from yellow to brown, it should have become a blurry mess now. You can predict succesful nitration with the following rule: The more it hurts, the better you get nitrated.
6) after the nitration process has completed, step out of the icebath and scrape of a little skin of your thighs. Test if it will burn.

To detonate nitroskin, cover yourself with AP or HMTD gelatine and stick a fuse up your ass, again, there is a risk of spontaneous orgasm while doing this!
Other options are:
-run as fast as possible against a wall
- take a fast mofo car and drive against a wall
- ask a nasty mofo to drive against you with his fast mofo car while your standing against a wall

Warning: You will have to detonate nitroskin within the next week, otherwise a process known as healing will cause the product to dissappear. However, the byproducts of nitroskin destruction are nitropiss and nitrosweat which are also explosives, but are highly unstable.
If you suffer from any skin disease like eczema or worms, do not try this! Nitroskizema detonates spontaneously!

Blow shit up!


Number two:

If you've been experimenting with nitroskin and have left it to decompose, you've probably experienced the notorious instability of nitropiss. This text will describe how to prepare nitroshit, a stable excretion explosive product.

You will need:
- shit (dog shit, human shit, kewl shit, pig shit,...)
- saltpeter or ammoniumnitrate fertilizer
- your piss
- your sperm


1) find a pile of dog shit
2) if no dog shit is present, crouch into a squatting position.
3) Wether you believe in yin-yang, feng shui, acupuncture, masturbation or anarchy, focus you energy on your ass.
4) Press hard.
5) The pleasant smell of fresh can't-wait-to-be-nitrated shit should welcome you now.
6) Prepare the nitrating mixture by pissing into a beaker of fertilizer solution.
7) Pour the mixture over the pile of shit.
Since sperm is a vital catalyst in this reaction, masturbate over the pile of shit or ask a passing "eva" to jerk you off.
9) Spit on the pile of shit with regular intervals to control temperature. If runaway nitration occurs, not only are you going to smell and yell shit, you're also going to feel it.


Nitroshit is friction and flame unsensitive, but can easily be detonated by pressure. Therefore it's an ideal terrorist and anarchist explosive, making "Blow shit up" reality.
If you wan't explosive nitroshit gelly I suggest you wait until you suffer from diarrhoea, this way no extra gel will be required.

Blow shit up!

[knowledgehungry]

I wrote an article on the nitration of felines once. It was brilliant, i discovered why no one else could succesfully nitrate a cat! It's because they used a water bath when preparing the nitrofeline, and as we all know felines react nastily with water, you end up with a nitrating cat running away, or a runaway nitration. See but if you use a dry ice bath youll be fine. I just made up a chemical rascist joke! What did God say when he made the second black man? Whoops, spilled KMnO4 on another one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vulture]

ROFL, that shizzolator is killing me!

Only da ignorant 'n uninformed fear knowledge, unfortunately that describes da majority of muthas, know what I'm sayin'? Science has no right or wrong, only its use does n' shit. The only immorality is da fear perpetuated by da media, 'n da stupidity of da censors n' shit. Rogue Science is here expose da secrets of science fo' izzall who wish learn, know what I'm sayin'?
Let that shiznit be known we do not condone any of da knowledge at Rogue Science be used beyond personal experimentation."


Rogue Science Links Engine - Visit izzle comprehensive link database now! The database is fully searchable, has detailed descriptions, lists wass new 'n bomb diggity, 'n yo' ass can submit yo' own collection of links!


Sorry 'bout da link bro....

:D

Someone try and shizzolate my kewl recipes? I don't dear because I'm afraid it will kill me...

[Efraim_barkbit]

This shizzolator made me think about some shit going on in sweden as well as I believe it is happening all around the western world.
it´s become fucking "cool" that white kids dress up in large fucking pices of trash and talks with a fake foreign accents, listening to music(that´s at least what THEY are calling it) about how good it is to live in the ghetto, dealing drugs and getting social security money etc... These kids are the future of the country... scary, isn´t it..

Another thing, at least here in Sweden, is that nationalism, in many peoples eyes have become a synonym for national socialism and racism. Critisism against immigrants/immigration politics
= "you are a nazi" written in big text on your forehead... (espescially if you are a politician)

to my self:
SHUT UP before anyone get´s pissed..It´s supposed to be a thread about jokes,, come on funny stuff, not this shit..

</pissed off mode>


I heard these yesterday:

How do you tell the difference between a nigger and a monkey?
give them a banana each, and the one who pics it up with it´s feet is the monkey

how do you kill 50 flies in one blow?
hit a somalian in the head with a shovel

An American, a Englishman and a Swede were sitting in a bar drinking beer and having fun, bragging about different things.The Englishman says,
-if we were to send all ships in England out on the ocean at the same time, there would be so many ships out there so there wouldn´t be any waves on the whole sea.
The American says,
-Ohh thats nothing, if we Americans were to send up every plane in the US at the same time, they would be so close that the sun wouldn´t be able to reach to the ground. Then the Swede says,
-every morning when I get outside to take a piss in the fresh morning breeze, there comes three seagulls and sits on my "thing".

The Englishman, when he hears the Swede, understand that they understood that he might have exagerated a bit.
-well, he says, the ships would not really be that close, of course there would still be waves on the sea..
the American said, having thought the same as the Englishman,
-well.. I also have to admit, of course there will still be sunlight, if we send up all the planes at once, even though we have a lot of them.
then the Swede says, Theyre not really that close..

(every thing translated from swedish, so it probably suck´s)

BTW Knowledgehungry, I´m very interesed in that NitroCat article:D

[nbk2000]

Whiggers (White Niggers) is the term for what you're describing. There's plenty of them were I live at. Oh, and Eminem wanna-be's too. :rolleyes:

I once had a couple of them say "Keep it gansta'!" to me, in a mocking way, while I was at work. If they only knew who they were saying that to. :D

[vulture]

I've been amusing myself by raping well known acronyms:

CIA =
Collective Incompetence Assembly
Collective Idiot Amnesty
Collective Idiot Assignment
Completely Idiotic Artifacts
Concentrated Iodine Assay
Completely Irrelevant Association

NSA =
National Stupidity Assembly
National Socialists Assembly :eek:

FBI =
Four Busted Idiots
Festivity Beer Inside
Feeble Beast Inside
Federal Blunt Idiots
Fat Butt Incision
Father Bubbas Incarnation
Fake Boobies Inside (imagine a female FBI officer wearing the T-shirt with the FBI logo :D)

FEMA = Feebly Emancipated Mothers Association

SWAT =
Sweating Worthless Asshole Team
Special Weener Action Time

LAPD =
Losers Allied Per Decrete

NYPD =
New Youth Pacifying Division

DMV =
Disabled Moron Version

DHS = (Department of Homeland Security)
Disabled Homeless Suckers
Detrimental Hooker Services
Disabled Hooligan Soccer

NAVY =
Natural Aversion Versus Youngsters

USAF =
Useless Service Aviation Fleet
Undeniable Special Action Fuckup
Unidentified Species Attacks Freedom

[FireFly]

Q What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A Hard of hearing!

Q What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
A Fucking deaf!

Q Why do all women love Jesus?
A Stand up, extend arms, then say "because he's hung like this!"

Mosses and Jesus were fishing in a boat when Mosses says, "you know I can still part water," Jesus says, "no you can't your to old," with that Mosses stands up, raises his cane and the water parts, he drops the cane and it goes back down. Jesus looks with awe and says, "well you know I can still walk on water," Mosses laughs and says no you can't! With that Jesus steps off the boat and sinks like a rock. Mosses reaches in and pulls him up, laughing he says "don't you remember you've got holes in your feet now dumb ass?"

Three blondes are walking in the woods when they come to a set of tracks, one blonde says "look rabbit tracks," the second blonde says, "no, those are deer tracks," and the third blondes says, "your both wrong those are bear tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

~NP

[Mortis Lupus]

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By
following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found
inner peace........ It read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....











Today I have finished off a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a
bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates , 2 litres
of Stella Artois and a handful of valium ..............

You have no idea how good I feel....

[per]

shizzolator was a funny link thanks for that one :) and some jokes to keep this topic running
1.whats the difference between a blonde and HIV?
HIV develops
2. millions jews can´t have wrong camps ain´t fun
argh cant come up with any jokes right now when i´m trying to :)

[Efraim_barkbit]

Are you "pyro pure (http://www.armory.com/tests/pyro.html) "?


a shitload of other tests here (http://www.armory.com/tests/purity.html)
it also contains a explanation on how to read the results

[Sam]

Heres some a friend told me:

1. Why do more niggers get hit by cars in winter?

They are easier to see


2. Why are niggers getting stronger?

TVs are getting heavier.

[THErAPIST]

iI dont think any of these have been thrown out yet soo...

whats the difference between a dead dog and a dead nigger lying in the middle of the road?
the dog has tire marks leading up to it

what do you call a mexican at the bottom of the ocean?
a good start

why'd the blonde jump offa the building?
her maxipad said it had wings

what do you call a woman with pms and esp?
a bitch who knows everything

Why do pill bottles always have cotton in them?
to remind niggers that they picked cotton before they sold drugs

The other cop joke reminded me about this...

I was comin home one day and a cop pulled me over. When the cop got to my window I asked him if he was writing me a ticket. He just kind of looked at me and then said "YES". I was like "oh... it's nice of you to give me a ticket to the state trooper party thet you're having". Again he looked at me funny and then said "What?" and I said "The ball! I was just sayin thanks for invinting me to the ball" The cop stared at me for a second with a half ass confused look on his face and then said "What are you talking about?! State troopers don't have balls!" To this I replied "Oh really?! You guys don't?! God your wives must hate that!". After Saying this, the cop stared at me for a few seconds with a strange twisted up kind of face, then turned around, walked back to his car, got in, and drove off.

[Tuatara]

Why is PMS called PMS?

"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

[vulture]

Q:What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

http://www.manzonderkop.be/Post/?P_ID=837 funny movie

[angelo]

what's the difference between a aboriginal womans pussy and a cricket ball?

you'd think about eating the cricketball


(translated for you americans)
Whats the difference between a nigga's pussy and football?

You'd think about eating the football

[Nihilist]

Why aren't there any niggers in the flintstones?

They were still monkeys.

Why are there so many trees in harlem?

Public transportation.

What do you do when you see a one-legged nigger?

Stop and reload.

What do you call one nigger at the bottom of the ocean?

Pollution.

What do you call 1,000,000 niggers at the bottom of the ocean?

Solution.

[xyz]

As well as the shizzolator, check this out: Da Ali G Translator (http://www.mackers.com/alig)

"By declaring all chemistry as drug manufacturing" becomes
"by declarin all chemistry as erbal remedy manufacturin"

EDIT: ear me now, dis is da rogue science website, westside of da explosives and weapons forum. we is dedicated to spreadin rare, unusual, and controversial scientific information. rogue science as bin created to borrow serious considetarion to such topics as explosives, poisons, chemical weapons, improvised weapons, and related scientific topics. dis site is primarily intended fa amateur scientists, but we ear me now, dis is all manna of professionals, or da mildly curious. only da ignorant and uninformed fear knowledge, unfortutanely dat describes da majority of people. science as no right or wrong, only its use does. da only immorality is da fear perpetuated by da media, and da stupidity of da censors. rogue science is in da house to expose da secrets of science fa all who wish to learn. let it be known we do not condone any of da knowledge at rogue science to be used beyond personal experimentation. there is pigss to be followed in da use of explosives, weapons, and azardous chemical substances. rogue science is not da place fa learnin about buildin bombs, weapons of mass destruction, or any udda device meant to arm udders. it is da spirit of da free exchange of information dat drives rogue science. in previous decades, main mans were encouraged to undertake scientific research in their own labs. da us government freely distritubed bit of papers relatin to radioactive materials, westside and farm use of explosives, and udda azardous materials. dis attitude is quite different in da 21st century. chemical suppliers rarely borrow to main mans anymore, information is jealously oarded or restricted to professionals, and only corporations is considered 'worthy' of conductin research. da government now enforces fear and propaganda towards those who dare to learn science on their own by declarin all chemistry as erbal remedy manufacturin or bomb buildin. evun chemistry sets is worthless today, bein limited to makin goo or cola changes. all dat which once was perfectly acceptable is now ostracized. rogue science challenges these misconceptions by givin voice to those brave few few who dare to learn.

[pyroluc]

http://www.langleyscouting.ca/lightnup/images/bombsqua.jpg

[vulture]

Bad fake actually, he doesn't have any gloves...still funny though.

[GibboNet]

I thought they didn't wear gloves, so that they had better sense of feel while dealing with sensitive explosive mechanisms. Maybe that's why.

I may be mistaken of course, I can't recall where I read that.

[Tuatara]

That pic reminds me of one of the power electronics Co's I worked for. Standing joke was to slam a cupboard door just as someone turned something on. I caught a dozen guys at once with that one - they nearly died of fright, I nearly died laughing.

[nbk2000]

Bomb techs can't wear gloves because they need the dexterity to deal with devices. Though, if the device goes off...:eek:...Captain Hook time! :D

If the device in the picture went off, suit or not, dude would be pink mist. Suits are only suitable for pipe bombs and grenades. Things like artillery and mortar shells, aerial bombs, and other large sized military ordance, forget it.

BTW, that picture was posted a couple years ago, so it's an oldie but a goodie. :)

If it was real, the guy working the bomb would either shit himself or pass out, and the guy with the bag would be unemployed. Though maybe they'd be pink mist if he timed it right as the tech was cutting the red wire. :D

[Chemical_burn]

I remember seeing this on a friends computer it had a little caption under it that read:

What is a sonofabitch?
shows pic.
That fokes is a sonofabitch.

At first I didn't noticed the guy with the bag then I did LOL :D I couldn't stop laughin one of my friends couldn't figure out what was so funny till I pointed it out.

:D I still giggle when I see that pic.

[Desmikes]

Small apartment. Man and his wife went to bed and as soon as the lights go out the husband starts the foreplay.
Wife: Honey, I don’t think our son is asleep
Man (loudly): Hey son, are you asleep? could you bring me some water?
-no answer
“it’s all good” says the man and carries on with the DEED
20 minutes later they hear frustrated voice from above “How much longer am I supposed to hold your damn water?”

A cruise ship is sinking fast. Everybody is in panic running around, and yelling. One of the freaked out passengers runs to the captain and asks: How far away is the closest earth?
Capt: 2km
Which way is that?
-Straight down…

Would you like to have magical/fairytale love?
-How is that
I’ll fuck you and disappear

Why is aspirin white?
Because it works…

How do you keep a nigger away from your backyard?
Hang one up in your front porch

Check out this one: http://users.dslextreme.com/~wolfstone/pyro/TOOTHPASTE.txt

[Sonny Jim]

Why do Pakkies smell?

So blind people can hate them too.

[FCUK]

Anny, Danny, and Fanny go out clubbing every week trying to pull some young gents, but to no avail.

So, one night in the club, Anny shouts above the music, "I think it's our hair!"

So, back to work they go for the week, saving their money to get their hair done. Pay day comes and off they go to get their hair done.

That night down at the club, no one even notices Anny, Danny and Fanny.

Danny pipes up saying that it must be there clothes, so they all decide to save up their wages to buy some new clothes. Meanwhile Anny goes to the bar and upon coming back notices how big Danny's and Fanny's feat are. Saying to them both "Cor, your two's feat ain't half big!" Danny replys, "Mine are a size 8, what's your's Anny?"

To which Anny replys, "A size 8, what's yours Fanny?" "A size 14" Reply's Fanny. They have a few more drinks and return home.

Finally, pay day comes and out they all go to find some new clothes for the club. They buy the clothes they want and go home to get changed.

Later Anny and Danny recieve a phone call from Fanny, Fanny says to them both, "I'm not feeling well at all, I'm not going out tonight, you two go without me."

Upset Anny and Danny dress up, do their hair, and go out on the town to see if they can pull.

They get to the club and soon as they walk in the door, two strapping young lads walk up to Anny and Danny, they look them both up and down and they reply, "Cor! Your's two feet are massive! How big are they?"

To which Anny reply's, "I'm a size 9" And Danny says "I'm a size 8, but if your think OUR feet are big, you ought to see our Fannys!"

Kind of a long winded joke, but I thought it was funny either way! :)

[Sonny Jim]

What do you do to Jews with an attention span disorder?

Send them to a concentration camp.

[serene]

whats the difference between an orange and a baby?

you dont cum in the orange before you eat it

[TopBrick404]

Two boss jokes


A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed, and no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and cropping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sided up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She had let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little quickie. In fact two. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!"





Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

[T_Pyro]

Sometimes, the net churns up some real gems when you're doing some serious research. Check out the following link, and you'll see what I mean!

http://www.angelfire.com/weird2/freakisna/pyro/fires.html

"Kool"!

[aikon]

ok guys, this is my first joke in english. it's damn difficult to tell a joke in a foreign language:)


a 10 year old girl has a car crash with her family. dad is dead, mom is dead, brother is dead.
the seriously injured girl crawls out of the car and lurches into the forest next to the highway.
suddenly she meets a hunter. the girl says:" help me sir.please!my mom is dead, my dad is dead, my brother is dead. i need medical assistence!"
the hunter pulls down his trousers and replies:" oh sweety, today is not your day"

[IDTB]

Nickname: Tough Genius
Real Name: Expert Lover.

Since when did technology allow such generators to be so accurate just from a name? ;)

[xyz]

IDTB, I now know your first name, this is because the guy who made that site has the same first name as you and he set the program to say "Expert Lover" when his name was put in. Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone. Just be more careful in the future.

Anyway, Back on topic,

Why are Camels known as the ships of the desert?
Because they are full of Arab semen.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a hot chick sitting at the counter so he goes up to her and sits down. "What's your name?" he asks, "Carmen" she replies. The guy says "That's a nice name, why did your parents call you that?", she says "Well, I like Cars and I like Men so my parents called me Carmen", then she asks "What's your name?" and the guy replies "Beerpussy"

[festergrump]

A guy walks into a pawn shop and sees a small statue of a rat for sale. He asks the broker,"How much for the rat statue?".
"Well", replies the broker,"the statue is $20, but another $100 for the story behind it."
The man buys the statue for $20 bucks and walks out the shop. Five minutes later he notices three rats following him down the sidewalk. He picks up his pace and looks behind him only to see fifteen rats now following him at a steady trod.
Breaking into a jog he glances over his shoulder only to find rats by the hundreds following his every move.
Suddenly he stops short of a lake and looking around him notices rats have come by the countless THOUSANDS.
The man takes the small statue and hurls it far into the lake and every last one of the rats follows the statue down to the depths of the water to their certain demise.
Pondering the events that led himself into this situation, he returns to the pawn shop.
The pawnbroker smiles as he walks into the shop and asks, "Oh, you came back for the story?"
"No.", the man replies."I'm looking for a statue of Martin Luther King!"
__________________________________________________ ___________

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank," she replies. "We don't have any money; this is a sperm bank." "Don't you argue with me! Open the damn safe or I'll blow your friggin' head off!" She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband. "Not that fucking difficult, is it?"
__________________________________________________ _____________

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop looked down and said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah!"
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on it." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before riding off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
__________________________________________________ ______________

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches
the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says "I would
like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says "The 18 holes of golf is no problem.
But all of the caddies are out on the course.
But what I will do for you is this.
We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies.IF you're willing to take
one with you out on the course and you will come back
and tell me if they're efficient, your round of golf is on me today!"
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. The golfer approached
the first tee, looked at the fairway and says,"I think my driver will do
the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said"No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with
the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet from right in front of the
hole on the green. The golfer turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said "I think this green is
gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up
and said "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Having thought about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he
decided again to listen to the machine. He made his put and birdied the
hole thanks to the robot and his advice. And his ! luck didn't end
there! His entire game was the best game he ever played thanks to the
assistance of the new robot golf caddie!
Upon returning to the Club House, the man behind the counter asked "How was your game?" The golfer stated "It was by far,the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop, he turned to the man behind the counter and said "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies please!"
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said "Well,
the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer turned to the man and said"COMPLAINTS? Who in the
hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"
The man continued to say, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were silver and the glare from their bodies was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
So the golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man said, "We did. 3 of 'em didn't show up for work and the other
4 robbed the pro shop!" :D

[tiac03]

what's so good about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

-There's 20 of them....

Whats the four toughest years of a black mans life?
-First grade

What Did the cuban do when he got a flat tire?
-Drown

[dogbone103]

The girl that had three wishes.
Once their was a girl with three wishes, her first wish was to shower with her mother. When she was washing with her mother she asked "mummy mummy what is that?" she replied "that is a forest honey, a forest" then she pointed to her tits and asked "mummy mummy what are those?" her mother replies they are "flashlights honey, flashlights." The girl’s next wish was to shower with her dad. When showering with he father she asks "daddy daddy what is that" he replies “a snake honey a snake" the girls last wish is to sleep in her mothers and fathers bed. When she was trying to get to sleep she see something and shouts “mummy mummy quick turn on the flashlights the snake is going into the forest" :D

[T_Pyro]

A short one:

Mary had a little lamb...
It was delicious.

[Tuatara]

Bruce, the Australian sheep farmer is on holiday in New Zealand. While there, he calls in on his old farming mate Trev, and the two of them go off in Trev's ute for a tour of Trev's high country sheep station.

As they're heading up the south ridge Trev spies a ewe caught in the barbed wire fence at the bottom of a gully.
'Shit' thinks Trev,'this is too good to pass up' so he stops the ute, heads on down the gully, drops his trousers and has his wicked way with the sheep. After finishing his business he zips up his trou and heads back to the ute.

"Crikey!" says an astonished Bruce, " Thats got to be the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in 20 years of farming."

"Oh really." says Trev. " Have you ever tried it? Bet you haven't! Go on, have a go - theres no one else here, and I wont tell."
Bruce is thoughtful for a moment - well, 'when in Rome' and all that...

So Bruce sets off down the gully to where the poor ewe is still struggling in the fence. He drops his trousers, tangles himself in the fence, then calls back to Trev
"OK, I'm ready!"

---------------------------------------------------------

A big city lawyer has set off into the countryside for a spot of duck shooting.

BAM!BAM! and two fine ducks plummet earthwards, landing in a nearby farm paddock.

So he climbs the fence and heads into the paddock to retrieve his prize.

"Oi! Hands off my ducks!" yells the old farmer whose just come around the hill.
"No, they're my ducks" replies the lawyer " I just shot them!"
"Nah, mate" say the farmer " Local rules, see? My land, my ducks"
"No they're bloody not. I'll see you in court before I give up my ducks!"
"No need for that" says the farmer," we'll settle this the local way. I get to kick you twice, then you kick me twice, and so on until one of us gives up."

The lawyer looks at this old farmer before him. 'This should be pretty easy' he thinks, and agrees to the contest.

"My land, so I'll go first" says the farmer. "ONE!" and lands a steel capped boot right in the lawyer's goolies. As he folds up in agony ... "TWO!" and the second kick catches him full in the guts.
After a moment or two the lawyer manages to stand up, blinks away the tears, and gasps "Right, you bastard. My turn."

"Nah, I give up" says the farmer," You keep the ducks."

[mesmashy]

What do all the women in a battered wives home have in common ?
They wouldnt listen.

What should all women do after they leave a batterd wives home ?
The dishes if they know whats good for them.

What do you call a prostitute with no arms and no legs ?
A cash and carry :)

[festergrump]

Q: What do you call a TOTSE crapbook reading wanna-be paratrooper who packs his own chute?
A: A lawn dart.

Q: Why won't the military let women become paratroopers?
A: They whistle on the way down!

[Tuatara]

A drunk wanders into a library, goes up to the desk and says
"I want two pieces of fish, and shum chips pleash!"

The librarian says, " Sir! This is a Library!"

"Shorry! I want two pieces of fish and shum chips, pleash!"

[Flake2m]

Two Palastinian men are at a bustop talking. One of the men pulsl out his wallet and shows the other man the pictures of his family "This is my oldest son, he's a martyr and this is my youngest son he's a martyr too" The first man says.
"Owwww, they blow up so young" replies the second man.

[festergrump]

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department, University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[xyz]

What does a blonde do when she wakes up in the morning?
Gets dressed and goes home.

A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[croc]

Go to www.cardsntoons.com click on humor (they are all good) but my 2 favorites are on page 64-72, George bush, and the human brain. I better not forget croc man in Africa. :D

What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizzas don’t fry in the oven.

What is the difference between a Jew and an African?
Africans were born black.

[Dr_Pind]

Why do men aged 40+ sweat so much between two rounds of sex.........???

Because in most cases there comes a summer in between! Funny.. eh?

[Boomer]

Means I got 4 years left to practice twice a year ... :(

Why is AP female? It is composed of nail polish and hair bleach, catalysed by acid remarks! ;)

To what family of chemicals do AP, HMTD etc belong? OK, they are not pesticides. But very effective k3wlizides! :p

[A2675770]

What does Earnheart and Pink floyd have in common?
They're greatest hit was the wall.

What do you do when you see a one armed nigger in your front yard?
Stop staring and re-load.

How many niggers does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

What does Micheal jackson and k-mart have in comon?
Little boys pants half off.

-A26

[cursed-flesh]

id like to say that one in the banned forum by the jolly roger is priceless.

what do you call niggers in your shed?
antique farm equipment.

what are shitstains on a pakkies wall?
a family portrait.

what are blondes in a freezer?
frosted flakes

what do you call an ethiopian with an afro?
a microphone

what did Hitler get for his birthday?
G.I. Jew and an easy bake oven

why do niggers cry during sex?
the mace

what do you get when you cross a nigger and a spic?
someone to lazy to steal

why dont niglets play in the sandbox?
cats keep trying to bury them

why is there no nigger astronauts?
their lips explode at 50,000 feet

whats the difference between afghanistan and christmas?
christmas will be here this year

what does FUBU really stand for?
farmers use-da beat us

why do police dogs lick their ass?
to get the taste of nigger out of their mouth

did you hear about the black barbie?
it came with 12 kids,AIDS,and a welfare check

how do black women fight crime?
get an abortion

how was copper wire invented?
2 jews fought over a penny

why did so many niggers die in vietnam?
when someone yelled "get down" they'd jump up and start dancing

why do spics buy cabbage patch kids?
they come with a birth certificate

what word starts with "N" and ends in "R" that you never want to call a black person?
neighbor

do you remember the nigger family on the jetsons? no?
the future looks pretty good

what has 4 legs and a black arm?
a happy pitbull

[festergrump]

Love it, CF!

Just a few more:

How do you stop 5 niglets from raping a white girl?
Throw 'em a basketball.

What's transparent and lays in a ditch?
A nigger with the shit beat out of him.

What do you call a white guy on a bus full of niggers?
Coach.

[meselfs]

This is by far the funniest kewl text I've ever seen, completely unmodified from the textfiles archive:

RECIPE FOR A STANDARD PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE

INGREDIENTS:

GASOLINE - 1 PART OIL - 1 HALF PART STYROFOAM - 1 PART

1) MELT STYROFOAM. -REMEMBER NEVER AT ANY TIME LET THE MIXTURE GET TOO HOT.

2) LET COOL TO A THICK VISCOSITY.

3) MIX 3 INGREDIENTS TOGETHER IN FOLLOWING ORDER: FIRST ADD STYROFOAM, THEN
OIL, THEN GAS.

4) MIX IN A DEEP POT - KEEP MIXTURE AWAY FROM ANY TYPE OF FIRE! DO THIS STEP
WITH EXTREME CAUTION.

5) LET THE MIXTURE COOL TO A LITTLE BIT WARMER THAN ROOM TEMPERATURE - AROUND
88 DEGREES FARENHEIT.

6) MOLD THE MIXTURE HOW YOU WANT. (DIFFERENT SHAPES WILL MAKE IT MORE OR LESS
LETHAL).

OPTIONAL: YOU CAN ADD NUTS, BOLTS, AND SCREWS WHILE MIXING, ALONG WITH
GUNPOWDER, 2 M-80'S, OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF EXPLOSIVE TO MAKE IT THE EQUIVILANT
OF A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL.

NOTE: THE FRAGMENTS (NUTS, BOLT, ETC.) ARE DEADLY. THEY WILL PENETRATE A
BRICK WALL WHEN THE MIXTURE IS DETONATED.

DETONATION

1) THE MIXTURE CAN BE THROWN, BUT SOMETIMES DETONATION DOES NOT OCCUR.

2) THE MIXTURE CAN BE WIRED FOR AN ELECTRIC CHARGE TO BE SENT THROUGH IT, IT
WILL DETONATE WITHOUT DOUBT. A REGULAR FUSE CAN BE SENT THROUGH IT ALSO. IF
THIS METHOD IS USED, SOME SORT OF TIMER IS RECOMMENDED.






I can't help but to wonder if it's for real...

[cyclonite4]

@Boomer: I guess you could call AP, HMTD, and MEKP k3wlizides, but they can also be called explosive peroxides, based on their methods of preperation.

[FUTI]

This one knock me out...

Recently we have received credible evidence - there have been seven terrorists working in our office. Six of the seven have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Smokin, have been taken into custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh terrorist - Bin Workin - has been found at your office. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time, so keep on doing what you Bin Doin.

Sincerely,

Bin Tellin

[xyz]

One morning George Bush is getting his morning briefing from his war advisors on the situation in Iraq.

They mention to him that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Fallujah yesterday, to which George responds "What? That's terrible..." and sinks down in his chair with his head in his hands.

His advisors are very surprised, having told him about the deaths of hundreds of Americans before and having not seen much reaction, yet now George is almost in tears over the deaths of 3 Brazilians, so the advisors just sit there in stunned silence.

Finally, George lifts his head up and says "Well, a brazillion sounds like a pretty big number, but exactly how many is it?"

[meselfs]

xyz, that's the best joke yet posted in this thread :->

Another Bush joke:

One day, Bush is drinking tea with the Queen of the UK.

He says "I think it'd be better if I made USA a kingdom"
The queen replies: "But you're not a king."
"Ah, right. Then how about a principality?"
"You'd have to be a prince."
"Dang, how bout 'empire' ?"
"Your're not an emperor..."

Before Bush could say his next line, the Queen interrupts:

"I think country works just fine"

[nbk2000]

Meselfs:

Wouldn't that be "cunt'ry". ;)

[Jacks Complete]

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[Mr.Azo]

What do the rabbis do with the leftovers from circumsizing jewish boys?

They sell it as chewing-gum to gays :p


Do you know how to save a negro from drowning? No?

Good!

[nocturnal shadow]

How does a Tasmanian know his sister is having her period?

His brothers cock tastes different

(if your not an Aussie just swap tasmanian with redneck or something)

[FUTI]

I just had to add it...
http://www.faithfreedom.org.nyud.net:8090/Gallery/Mo_Cartoons.jpg
not that I find them particularly funny (or attacking) just the whole mess they generated is funny enough.

[twotonetony95]

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

[Omnius02]

(If you want to change abo aussie jokes to American jokes just replace abo with nigger.)

What’s the difference between an abo and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

An abo, a Jew and a Muslim jump off a tall building and die, who wins?
Society.

What’s the difference between an aboriginal woman and a park bench?
The park bench can support children.

[nbk2000]

There was once a ship captain who was attacked by a pirate ship. He calmly said, "bring me my red jacket." His crew hurried to obey, and they emerged victorious.

A few weeks later, he saw three pirate ships on the horizon. Once again, he calmly said, "bring me my red jacket," and at the end of the day they emerged victorious.

By now the crew was curious, so later when they were eating, the first mate got up the nerve to ask the captain why he always asked for his red jacket when they were in a battle. The captain explained, "I wear the red jacket so if I get wounded in battle you won't notice and will continue to fight bravely."

The crew was impressed with his courage and gave a cheer for him.

The next day, a lookout spotted ten pirate ships on the horizon. The captain calmly said, "Bring me my brown pants."

:p

[Child-of-Bodom]

Some joke I heard from a Kiwi I was working with:

Why do sheep swim from New-Zealand to Australia?
They´d rather be fucked then killed.

An Aussie, a Kiwi and a British guy walk over the beach, somewhere in Thailand. Suddenly, they found a bottle there, and when they pick it up a genie pops out the bottle, and gives them one wish each.

The Brit: Ow well, thats easy. I just want 5 billion on my back acount.
Genie: 'poof' thats organised.
Aussie: I am so freaking fed up with those bloody immigrants in Australia, I want you to make a massive wall around my country, so no one can enter any more, via any coastline... I take it that harbours are useless, I just don´t want any bloody immigrants any more. Make the wall very high, and a couple of 100 yards deep...
Genie: 'poof', done.
Kiwi: Genie, can you give me some info on the wall? Genie: Well, its about 500m high, and at least 200m deep, 500m where possible.
Kiwi: Excellent. Can you now fill it up with water please?

[nbk2000]

Not a joke per se, but funny none the less. :)

http://www.cryeprecision.com/product1.asp?P=TSH

[FUTI]

This was stronger from me...I had to post it even if it provoke NBK grammer sensitivity to deflagration point;), on the other hand taking into account his "pro-nazi" standpoint he might be amused:D.


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[nbk2000]

LOL! :D

Oh shit...that had me crying!

Anyways (wipes away a tear)...

Part of a post I made at another forum I occassionally visit that I thought worth preserving for posterity (in case they delete it and ban me! :D), and rather humorous as well.

================================================== ============================


WARNING

Postings by NBK have been found by the State of California to contain high levels of Sarcasm, Satire, Hyperbole, and Ridicule.

Acute exposure may cause:


Immediate increase in blood pressure levels, caused by shock or anger.
Urge to click on links provided by, or obtain articles cited by, NBK, in attempt to disprove statements made by him.
Intense Googling to relieve "self-doubt of facts" itch, caused by exposure to NBK.
Immediate confusion of reality, resulting in mistaking NBK for someone called "Richard". :D


Chronic exposure may cause symptoms including (but not limited to):


Ego deflation
Self-examination
Relief of Testestorone Poisoning
Reduction of lead in the Enviroment


In case of adverse reaction from exposure to NBK, apply first-aid measures as follow:


Immediately remove yourself from the area to prevent further exposure
Consume large quantities of alcohol, preferably in the form of beer, to prevent change of mental state.
Watch Deer Hunter and Apocalypse Now to restore testosterone levels
Proceed to nearest firing range to replenish depleted blood-lead levels.



================================================== ============================

[enhzflep]

Many of you will have no doubt read this one before, but it still gets me every time.

MSDS WOMEN

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: Wo (Pronounced "Woe"; in primitive cultures -- "Woo Woo")
DISCOVERER: Adam
TYPE: Irrational Element
ATOMIC MASS: Generally accepted as 118
VARIATIONS: Isotopes identified with weights ranging from 95 to 300

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. A large number of allotropic forms have been observed
2. Transparency, hardness, color/shading vary within wide limits
3. The color exhibited by many specimens is a surface phenomenon
4. Most color variations are due to various types of strongly adhering powder
5. Some exposed surfaces may also be covered with painted film, lotions and/or creams
6. Thickness of all extracellular substances appear to increase with specimen's age
7. Caution: Exposed hair on some specimens may not be natural color
8. The boiling point for some is quite low, and may boil w/o apparent reason
9. Some specimens may also freeze without warning/reason, or at any moment
10. All varieties can melt, but only if given special and individualized treatment
11. Bitter if incorrectly used
12. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore
13. Yields to pressure applied to correct points
14. The vast majority of specimens do not age gracefully
15. Both stable and unstable unions have been described with the element man

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones
2. Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
3. Seemingly unlimited quantities of expensive food can be absorbed
4. May explode spontaneously if left alone with the element man
5. Insoluble in most liquids; Wo absorbs many liquids without dissolving in them
6. Activity may greatly increase upon saturation in alcohol
7. Most powerful money-reducing agent known
8. Some specimens appear to react well to being wrapped in animal fur
9. Others bristle against any type of fur (warmth apparently not a factor)

OCCURRENCE:
1. Abundant in nature and is found in both the free and combined states
2. Oftentimes found combined with the element Man
3. Many (as yet unexplained) regional differences in appearance and behavior

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Useful as a tonic in the alleviation of suffering, sickness, and low spirits
4. Wide application in the arts and domestic sciences
5. Very efficacious cooking and cleaning agent

TESTS:
1. Studies complicated by the fact that residual attraction is never satisfied
2. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
3. In general, they tend to explode spontaneously if in conflict with the element man
4. Turns green when placed beside better or more polished specimen

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Can be unstable and/or explosive
3. May be affected by phases of the moon, or nothing at all

LOCAL/STATE/FEDERAL LAWS:
1. Illegal to own more than one specimen outright at a time
2. Disposal laws are complex and extremely costly
3. Some select specimens are acceptable for recycling

[FUTI]

and I saw couple other versions but...it seems apropriate to be posted here.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First! , we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let’s look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more
than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proport! ionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that
Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The
corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only
Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which expl! ains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

[Zach730]

Wow this is my first post! Since I'm just learning as much as a I can; I can't really be helpful. Anyways back to topic.

++++++++

In some forest so big that almost no animals ever saw each other, there once was a magical frog who never saw another animal in its entire life.

By chance one day the frog saw a rabbit being chased by a rather hungry bear. The frog yelled out to them, "Stop! If you both come over here I will grant each of you three wishes!"

Well both the rabbit and the bear like they offer so they both go over to the toad. The bear, ending up to be a dominant male bear, says," I'm going first so I wish for . . . umm . . . I KNOW! I wish for all the other bears in the forest to be females!"

"Done" says the frog.

Now its the rabbit's turn and all he says is,"I wish for a motor bike helmet"

"Done" And the rabbit puts the helmet on.

WHAT A STUPID WISH! Thought the bear. Oh well. Since the bear being such a greedy bear he wished for," I wish for all the bears in the forest next to ours were female too!"

"Done"

Then again to the bear's amazement the rabbit does another stupid wish. "I wish for a motor bike."

"Done" And the rabbit hops on the bike.

That is the dumbest rabbit ever! Thought the bear. Now you have to have realized that this is one very greedy bear when he says, "I wish for all of the bears in the world besides me to be females!"

"Done"(Stupid ain't it?)

After the bear's last wish the rabbit guns the engine and says,"I wish that bear was gay." And drives off.

++++++++

Not the best but something different.

[aikon]

without words:

http://www.zipperfish.net/free/yaafm12.php

[Slinger]

A young couple are married. On their wedding night, the bride places a small wooden box under her side of the bed, and admonishes her husband never to open it. He's an honorable fella, and complies.

Years pass, and although he is curious, he never breaks his word by looking in the box.

Soon after their twenty-year anniversary, the wife falls ill and is admitted to the hospital for a few days. The husband, bored and home alone, decides he cannot stand the temptation, and opens the box.

Inside, there are three eggs, and fifty-thousand dollars in small bills.

Soon, the wife comes home. Her husband, in a fit of guilt, admits he looked into the box, and asks about its contents.

The wife sighs and says, "Every time I have cheated on you, I placed an egg in the box."

The husband mulls this over and decides that three times in twenty years ain't bad. He asks, "Well, where did the $50,000 come from?"

The wife says, "Every time I had a dozen, I sold them." :D
-------------
How 'bout this one?

A farmer hires a new hand, a big, ex-con type named Zeke. At first, the farmer is worried about his decision, but the lad is a hard worker, and always does every thing he's told.

One evening, the farmer sent Zeke to check on some cattle up the road, a ten-minute task. When Zeke doesn't return for some time, the farmer begins to get concerned. Soon, he recieves a call via the new hand's cell phone.

Zeke says, "Boss, I've hit a pig with the truck."
The farmer says, "Well, that shit happens, drag it off the road so nobody else hits it, then come on to the house and help me do chores."

Twenty or thirty minutes pass, still no Zeke. The farmer grows worried, and calls him.

"Zeke, where are you?" Zeke answers by saying, "Well, boss, the pig is still alive, and is kicking and squealing, I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me."

The farmer sighs and says, "There's an old .30-.06 behind the seat, take it out, shoot him, drag him off the road, and get the hell back here."

A half-hour passes, and the farmer is getting mad. He calls again.

"Zeke! What the hell are you doing? Did you shoot the pig and drag him aside?"

Zeke says, "Yes, I shot him in the head, and he's layin' in the ditch."

"Well, get the fuck back here!" the farmer screams into the phone.

Zeke says, "Well, boss, the pig's out of the way, but his motorcycle is tangled up on the bumper."

++++

Oh man... :D

NBK

[Mr.Azo]

Why are the 'people' in Africa getting AIDS?

Because they fuck each other in the ass [1 (http://www.rsm.ac.uk/media/pdf/std0703brody.pdf)]


( Hey! It is a science forum, right? :p )

[Fuze2short]

Couple oldies.....

Stranded on a deserted island is Sharon Stone and a average everday guy. They had both been on a cruise ship that had sunk in a storm. The guy and Sharon exchange names and formalitys. The two build a hut on their new island paradise and adapt to a new casual life style. The guy and Sharon eventually get friendly and start having sex. For months this kind of life style persists. Pick bannanas, fuck, sleep, fuck, eat some more bannanas. After a couple of more months this guy starts walking around all depressed and he stops eating. Sharon is very worried and takes care of him.
"Why are you so upset?" Asks Sharon.
"Oh you wouldn't understand.." Replies the man.
This continues in till finally Sharon convinces him that she would do anything for him.
"Anything?" Asks the man.
"Yes, anything!" Promises Sharon.
The man gives her a list of things to do. He says for her to cut her hair really short and dress up like a man. He even tells her to draw a mustache on her face. Even though she thinks his requests are odd she does exactly what he says.
"O.K." says the man, "now go around this side of the island and I'll go around the other side and we'll meet in the middle."
She does as he says and starts walking. After a couple of hours Sharon see's him running around the other side of the island with his arms open. She starts running toward him.
They meet and he says...
"YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHO I'M FUCKING!!!"



This guy was tired of fooling around with loose women, and so he decided he was going to settle down and get married. But he wanted to marry a virgin, so he came up with this little test. As soon as he would get the girl in his car, he would pull out his tool and ask her what it was. The first girl said"That's a dick", so he sent her back in the house and left. The next night he had a date with anoyher girl and he did the same thing. She too said"That's a dick", so he sent her back in the house. This went on for a while till one night when he got the girl to the car and ask her the question, she looked at it and said"I don't know". This, he decided, was the girl he was going to marry, so he put his tool away and they left for their date. After courting her a bit, he finally popped the question and she said Yes. As soon as they got to their honeymoon suite, he pulled out his tool and said" Honey, there's something I want you to know. This is a dick" She replied" No it isn't. A dick is much bigger than that and it's black!"



A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."



Last one:

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He replies, "Tonto.........Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

:p

[agentsheppard]

Here's a couple

There was a mexican an american a italian and an iraqi in a boat that was sinking. They needed to get rid of weight to prevent futher sinking. So the italian tosses off his pizza and says i have plenty of those back in county, the mexican tosses off his taco and says i have plenty of those back in county, the iraqi tosses off his weapons of mass destruction and says i have plenty of those back in county the american tosses off the mexican and says i have plenty of those back in county!

Another one

A blond is swerving all over the road so the cop pulls her over and says" Ma'am, why are you swerving?''
she replies " No matter where I look there's this tree in the way."
Tho cop takes a quick look in the car and laughs
"Ma'am thats your pine air freshener"

[mil&co]

Well, not exactly a joke, but it's fun:)
http://www.hellinahandbasket.net/archives/002718.html

[fiknet]

Thanks mil&co, those were great! I absolutely lost it on the one where his magazine spring has popped out.

[QtipJC]

How do you keep a baby from crawling around in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.
--------------------------------------
What's purple, covered in puss, and squeals?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

-----------------------------
When do you know it's time to do the dishes?

Look in your pants. If you have a penis, it's not time.

-----------------------------------------

[Zajcek]

Here is a couple of them, but they probably suck, because they were translated from Slovenian.

Q: What's that, it is crawling on all four and can't get under table ?
A: It's a baby with pitchfork sticking out of his back.

Q: What's more cruel than a baby in a trash can?
A: A baby in seven trash cans.

Q: What is red and is scratching on the door?
A: A baby in microwave oven.

Q: What is blue and sitting in the corner?
A: a baby with PVC bag over his had

Q: What is blue-green, and is sitting in the corner?
A: A baby couple of weeks latter.

Q: What does a truck driver do, when he sees children playing on the road?
A: he turns on the windshield wipers

A Grandma was babysitting and she wanted to go for a walk with her grandson, but outside was very cold so he was struggling. She grabbed him by his leg and dragged him down the stairs that his head was bumping in them. An elderly neighbor came by and said: "Watch out his hat will fall off!"
And the Grandma replied: "No it won't, I nailed it with some nails!"

Q: Why does Blondie replaces the dippers to her child once a month?
A: Because it says "MAX 5kg" on them, and she wants to use them to their full capacity ;)

Q: What do you get if you cross-breed monkey and a turtle?
A: A cop wit a helmet :D

A young boy was playing with a piece of dog shit and building a statue, and a priest came by.
He asked a boy: "What are you making?"
Boy replied: "A priest"
priest was angry and walked away
Then postman came by and asked a boy:"What are you making"
Boy replied:"A postman"
postman was angry and walked away.
A police officer was watching and listening to that from beginning and said to the boy: "If I ask you what are you making, you will probably reply a policeman, won't you"
than the boy replied:"NO I NEED MORE SHIT FOR A POLICEMAN!"

Q: Why does a policeman has a dog?
A: At least one has a proper education.

Q: How do you make a policeman's brain to a pea size?
A: You have to inflate it!

Q: Why does a policeman take a car door to a beach?
A: So he will open a window when he will be hot.

Q: Why does a cop have one empty bottle with him, and one full of water?
A: He's got a full one if he 'll be thirsty, and empty one if he won't be.

A cop is crying on the sidewalk, a
man comes by and he asks a cop: "why are you crying?"
cop replies:"I've lost my trained dog"
man replies back:"Well, if he's trained, he will find a way to get home"
cop replies even more hysterically:"Yes, he will, but what about me?!"


What does a cop do with a mole, he captures in his garden?
He buries it alive :)

Q: Why does a policeman have two stones under his bed?
A: With one, he turns off the light, whit another, he checks if the window is closed.

[c.Tech]

Here is a couple of them, but they probably suck, because they were translated from Slovenian.
:D HaHaHa. They were good, I love anything that mocks the piglets.


Comical bumper stickers and sentences:

If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you.

CAUTION!! I speed up for small animals.

One good thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to meet new people every day.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.


When a father is tucking his boy into bed the boy says “goodnight mummy, goodnight daddy, goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa.”
The father becomes quite confused. He says goodnight to his son and goes to bed.
The next morning he is extremely shocked to realize that his father in law is dead.
At night the boy says “goodnight mummy, goodnight daddy, goodbye grandma.” The father becomes extremely worried and disturbed.
However he doesn’t question the coincidence, says goodnight to his son and goes to bed.
The next morning he even more shocked to find that his mother in law is dead.
That last night the boy says “goodnight mummy, goodbye daddy.”
This leaves him petrified unable to sleep for hours. He finally convinces himself that’s shi being superstitious and gets a few hours sleep. He wakes up to him relief that his not dead.
Suddenly he hears his wife screaming in horror, she yells shockingly “The milkman has dropped dead on our doorstep.”

Back in the olden days, when aircraft cockpits had round dials, plus flight engineers and navigators.
The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the instrument panel.
“Know what this is for?” he asks the navigator.
“No, sir,” replies the newbie.
“I use it on navigators that get us lost,” explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.
“WHAT’S THAT FOR?” shouts the surprised captain.
“Well, sir,” replies the navigator, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

[hst45]

Here's an interesting bumper sticker I saw today.

"I just got a gun for my wife.
It was the best trade I ever made!"

[jinxxxonu]

This one's for you NBK,

What's the difference between a nigger and a new set of snow tires? The tires don't scream when you put the chains on them!

[30yearstoolate!]

If you can read this whole story without laughing then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. (I've read this
Probably 5 times and it never fails to reduce me to tears of laughter).
Hope it does the same for you!!!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
************************************************** ***


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
Kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
Stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
To put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
Crazy.
************************************************** ***



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
Tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
Be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.
************************************************** ***


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
Dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
But was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
Is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
************************************************** ***


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
Freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
Tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
My forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
Onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
Filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone.

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
__________________________________________________ __

My father sent me this in my email. I read it and almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard. Hope everyone likes it.

[nbk2000]

A funny sig line I saw elsewhere:

The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!

(from a show titled Zardoz)

[festergrump]

I figured I was probably the ONLY person here who had ever seen that movie... It certainly was "out there". One of the strangest movies Sean Connery ever starred in...

P.S. The chili thing had me rolling from the start!

[Bert]

Not a joke, but after spending 6 hours with a DOT inspector yesterday, strangely appealing. THE SCORCHED EARTH PARTY!!!
http://www.armory.com/~crisper/Scorch/index.html
With such loving stories as The Christmas Story...
http://www.armory.com/~crisper/Scorch/xmas.html

[kiwi]

What’s the difference between a nigger and a speed bump?
The speed bump has a job.

What’s the difference between a nigger and a picnic table?
The picnic table can support a family.

What’s the difference between a nigger and dog shit?
Dog shit turns white after a couple of days.

What do you call a lesbian with one leg?
Gaylene.

[neeka]

Kinda old but,
if a blonde, redhead, and burnette jump off a cliff, who would reach the ground last?
The blonde, cause it'll stop and ask for directions.

[Diabolique]

Gave this one to festergrump earlier, and thought others may like it. It is a real event, and gives an insight to what type of NCO I was.

The Care and Feeding of Leutenants

I was stationed at Ft. Huachuca, AZ, where the skies were cloudless almost every day. I carried a pocket sundial to tell time with.

One day, my Leutenant asked for the time, as his watch had stopped. I whipped out my sundial, adjusted it, and told him the time. He didn't want to trust such a seemingly low-tech method of telling time, and asked another sergeant for the time, who gave him the identical time as I had.

He came back to me, impressed with the accuracy of such a 'crude' device as a pocket sundial. His last question was what did I do at night. I told him to come back at night, and I would show him (I had a pocket calculator with a built-in clock).

That night, he came up to me, and asked to see how I used the sundial to tell time at night. I took out the sundial and a flashlight, made a big display of adjusting the two, and told him the time. He looked at his watch, saw it had the same time, shook his head, and walked off, totally bewildered.

The secret? I saw the time on a clock in the window across the street. To this day, he likely is still wondering how it is done.

To the ignorent, even low-tech can be magic!

[hst45]

QUESTION: What do you call the process whereby a snake and its skin are seperated?

ANSWER: Disbarment.

[nbk2000]

The agony of having spilled acid down my pants was quickly tempered by the breathtaking, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch a penis melt.


:eek: :D

http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/QuotesSexual.html

[c.Tech]

I got this in an email, I don’t know if it’s true but it's funny none the less.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a lot of truth behind the corrupt law makers.

Which one fits the bill (This Is Good!)

ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and AFL stands for Australian Football League

Does the following apply to the ARL OR AFL? This is good!!!!

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?… Scroll down,

Neither, it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You gotta pass this one on!

[Code Red]

c.Tech,

As backwards as the politicians in Australia are, that email is a definate fake!
I've seen the same post on a certain website where it mentioned it was the South African government. NOW THAT, I WOULD BELIEVE!

p.s: Quick joke while im here

Q:Why do they only have 2 pall bearers at a niggers funeral?

A:Because a garbage bin only has 2 handles

[festergrump]

Q: How can you tell the pitbull attacking you is owned by a nigger?

A: It flies sideways through the air toward your jugular.

[Diabolique]

C.tech, are you sure you do not mean the US and not Austrailia? That sounds almost like the sports pages here.

Politicians are the same the world over. Our town executive is being prosecuted for stealing most of the funds for uprading the local airport, using substandard construction instead. The terminal, which he named for himself, is crumbling after 1 year, and the parking apron at the terminal is cracking.
________
Definition of sympathetic detonation:

At an outdoor munitions dump, with bombs lined up on pallets in the hot sun.

BOOM!

"Hey, guys, George just blew up. Lets show him some sympathy!"

BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!

[Hirudinea]

A guy walks into a sex shop

"I want to buy a blow up sex doll."

"Male or Female?

"Female."

"Black or White?"

"White."

"Muslim or Christian?"

"What the hell difference does its religion make?"

"The Muslim ones blow themselves up."

[Reverend_Jones]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."

-------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man escorts his wife to the doctor for her annual check up. His wife
goes into the examine room with the doctor. After a hour they come out and the
doctor calls the elderly man into his office.

Elderly man : So how is she?

Doctor : I am afraid I have bad news. Your wife either has Alzheimers or AIDS.

Elderly man : Thats awful! What do you suggest I do?

Doctor : Take her 20 miles out into the woods and leave her. If she finds her
way home, don't fuck her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Betsy Sue Jim Bob's cousin Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, but lemme check somethin'. Roll him over.' So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, 'Nope it ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over'. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you be so sure?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.' 'What?? He had two assholes?' said the mortician. 'Yup, everyone in town knew he had 'em. Why, every time WE went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.....'

------------------------------------------------------------------
It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup.

He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.

As the line dwindles down, a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on his lap.

Santa says to the little boy,"I bet I know what you want for Christmas,"you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y", touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word.

The little boy responds, "Nope".

So Santa again says, "Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E", as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger.

The little boy again said, "Nope".

Well Santa's starting to get a little pissed off. He thinks to himself that he'll try one more time.

He says to the little boy, "I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E", once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word.

Where to the little responds"Nope".

At this time he's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy, "Then what the fuck do you want for Christmas?"

The little boy then looked at Santa and said, "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y, and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger!"

[rockafeller]

Two men are in a bar, the first man is telling the second about a pros he hooked up with last night.

"I tell ya.... she's amazing, last night she sang the entire national anthem whilst giving me deepthroat! She works mondays at that new spiffy err.... motel by the docks."

The second man found this story hard to believe but curiosity got the better of him and went to see the proz.

Twenty minutes later he was at the motel with the hoe. She switched off the light and started giving him a bj whilst singing the national anthem.

Surprised and most impressed the man switched on the light to see how she was doing it.

The pro screamed and ran out of the room covering her face leaving behind a glass eye-ball..........
.
.
.
.
got it yet? :eek:

+++++

Q: Why are all the niggers so quick?
A: All the slow ones are in prison already.

[festergrump]

Not a joke but funny all the same:

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f348/festergrump/liberalcomic.jpg

[kaiserbill]

A UFO swoops out of the sky and picks up 3 earthlings for analysis. One is a German, another is a Japanese, whilst the 3rd is a nigger.

They put the German under, open up his skull, and take a peek inside. Inside his head is a perfectly crafted hi-tech titanium machine with liquid metal cooling. Mightily impressed, they wake him up and send him on his way.

They put the Japanese under, open up his skull, and take a peek inside. Inside his head is a highly advanced CPU with freon cooling, high speed databus, and massive storage capacity. Very impressed, they wake him up and send him on his way.

They then put the nigger under, open up his skull, and take a look inside. It is completely empty inside, except for a piece of string running from the left side of his skull to the right. Baffled, one of the aliens produces a scissor and cuts the string...

...and the niggers ears fall off.

[c.Tech]

Enter 'miserable failure' or just 'failure' into google search and you get as the first link a bibliography of a well know person.

Who is this person? Who else but George W Bush. :p

Here is an article on how it is done. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3298443.stm

'Miserable failure' links to Bush

George W Bush has been Google bombed.

Web users entering the words "miserable failure" into the popular search engine are directed to the biography of the president on the White House website.

The trick is possible because Google searches more than just the contents of web pages - it also counts how often a site is linked to, and with what words.

Thus, members of an online community can affect the results of Google searches - called "Google bombing" - by linking their sites to a chosen one.

Weblogger Adam Mathes is credited with inventing the practice in 2001, when he used it to link the phrase "talentless hack" to a friend's website.

The search engine can be manipulated by a fairly small group of users, one report suggested.

Newsday newspaper says as few as 32 web pages with the words "miserable failure" link to the Bush biography.

The Bush administration has been on the receiving end of pointed Google bombs before.

In the run-up to the Iraq war, internet users manipulated Google so the phrase "weapons of mass destruction" led to a joke page saying "These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed."

The site suggests "clicking the regime change button", or "If you are George Bush and typed the country's name in the address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly (IRAQ)".
:D sounds fun!

[nocturnal shadow]

Q: What is the only animal to have an arsehole located on the middle of its back?

A: A police horse.

[nbk2000]

Politically Correct Fairy Tales
by John Hawkins
Are you sick and tired of those "conservative" fairy tales? Are you an American liberal or someone from Europe who thinks those fairy tales teach values that no longer need to be promoted in today's world? Well, RWN is coming to your rescue with our "Politically Correct Fairy Tales!"

=====

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods when they came upon a house made of candy and cake. An old witch invited them in and then captured both of them intending to eat them. Gretel had a chance to save both of them by pushing the old woman in an oven but she decided that it would be wrong not to respect the witch's cultural traditions. So Gretel and her brother allowed themselves to be cooked and eaten. The witch was so happy with the children's actions that she invited all of her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every child in a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing but child eating witches and all the witches were very happy!

The Moral of the Story: You must respect the culture of others, even at your own expense!

=====

Fisherman and the Fish

An old man finds a fish. The fish says "Let me go, old man. I will reward you for my freedom by giving you anything you desire". The old man at the behest of his wife makes wish after wish. Finally, the fish decides the old man and his wife are being too greedy and takes everything he gave them away. Then the man and his wife hire Johnny Cochran and sue the federal government for not having federal regulations in place to prevent wishing fish from unfairly taking away previously given magical spoils. The judge ruled in their favor and they were both given 500 million dollars worth of taxpayer funds with which they lived happily ever after.

The Moral of the Story: It's the federal government's responsibility to fix every bad thing that happens in the world.

=====

The Three Billy-Goats Gruff

The first and second billy goat gruffs were stopped from going across a bridge to get food by a troll. Then the biggest and baddest billy goat gruff showed up. He told the troll he was going to kick his @ss. That greatly upset the first and second of the billy goats gruff who accused the third billy goat gruff of "hegemony" and "imperialism" and said that negotiation was the way to go. So the third billy goat gruff went away. Unfortunately, the troll refused to negotiate and first two billy goats gruff starved to death.

The Moral of the Story:It's better to starve to death than to fight!

=====

The Three Little Pigs (My favorite story. :) NBK)

There were once three little pigs. The first little pig built his house out of straw. But the big bad wolf easily knocked it down. Then he ran to the 2nd pig's house which was made out of sticks. But the wolf came there and knocked it down too. Then both pigs ran to the American pig's house which was made out brick. When the wolf came there, the American pig pulled out a gun and blew his stinking head off. Afterwards, both little pigs who lost their houses started building their houses out of straw again. When the American pig asked them why they accused the American of being an "arrogant jerk" and of "acting unilaterally". But they secretly knew the American would always save them, just like he did in WW1 and WW2 so they could afford not to be prepared.


The Moral of the Story: Even though Americans are helpful, they're real creeps!

=====

The Ants and the Grasshopper

All summer long the ants worked and prepared for the winter while the grasshopper went to Rage Against the Machine concerts and played Everquest. The grasshopper laughed and laughed at the ants for working so hard. Then winter came. The ants had plenty of food and shelter while the grasshopper had none. So the government took the ants tax money and built the grasshopper a house, gave him welfare cheese to eat, and paid for courses at the local university that the grasshopper didn't bother to go to. When the ants complained everyone agreed that they were greedy rich jerks for having more than the grasshopper.

The Moral of the Story: Taking money from people who work hard and giving it to the lazy is compassionate!

[ravn]

Q. What's worse than a bus load of niggers going over a cliff?
A. 1 empty seat on the bus.

Q. Why do niggers where wide brim hats?
A. To keep the bird shit off their lips.

Q. How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How do you get 9 niggers in to a VW Bug?
A. Throw in a basket ball.

Q. How do you get them back out again?
A. Throw in a welfare check.

Q. How do you stop 5 niggers from raping a white girl?
A. Throw them a basket ball.

Q. What is tattooed on the inside of every niggers lips?
A. Inflate to 20 psi.

Q. Why don't niggers drive convertibles?
A. their lips would flap them to death.

Q. How do you drive a nigger crazy?
A. Hide his welfare check under his work boots.

Q. Why don't Mexican parents let their kids play with nigger kids?
A. They are afraid their kids will get too lazy to steal.

[c.Tech]

Economic Models Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Killer toothpic]

A litttle black boy paints himself white, then goes in to show his mom.

She takes one look at him, slaps him, and says "Go show your dad".

He goes and shows his dad and his dad slaps him, and says" Go show your grandpa".

He shows the grandpa , and he too slaps him across the face, then asks him"So what have you learned?"

The little boy answers and says "I've been white for only 10 minutes, and I already hate niggers!!"

++++++++++++++++

A nigger and a wetback jump off a building. Who wins? Society.

++++++++++++++++

Q: What do you call 1000 niggers buried to their necks in sand?

A: Afroturf.