Letter John Cleese to the USA

[Child-of-Bodom]

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of
your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair
with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn
that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must
learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The
name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip,
oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. >From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear
as in "clear" NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

-John Cleese

:D

[Child-of-Bodom]

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of
your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair
with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn
that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must
learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The
name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip,
oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. >From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear
as in "clear" NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

-John Cleese

:D

[Child-of-Bodom]

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of
your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair
with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn
that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must
learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The
name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip,
oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. >From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear
as in "clear" NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

-John Cleese

:D

[tomu]

WOW! I'm totally surprised that 2,15% of Americans know that there is a world outside the USA. Or is this just a typo and it's really 0.15%?

[tomu]

WOW! I'm totally surprised that 2,15% of Americans know that there is a world outside the USA. Or is this just a typo and it's really 0.15%?

[tomu]

WOW! I'm totally surprised that 2,15% of Americans know that there is a world outside the USA. Or is this just a typo and it's really 0.15%?

[Silentnite]

I was laughing along until the gun bit. But then I got over myself and had a laugh.

Us americans.... *sigh*

[Silentnite]

I was laughing along until the gun bit. But then I got over myself and had a laugh.

Us americans.... *sigh*

[Silentnite]

I was laughing along until the gun bit. But then I got over myself and had a laugh.

Us americans.... *sigh*

[Jacks Complete]

I think he's counting the government and the army in that, too. ;-)

[Jacks Complete]

I think he's counting the government and the army in that, too. ;-)

[Jacks Complete]

I think he's counting the government and the army in that, too. ;-)

[Skean Dhu]

I don't know what these other countries John is talking about. Acording to my map theres only commies, smelly people and dragons outside the US.
http://users.aber.ac.uk/rnh2/_web_files/world_map.gif

[Skean Dhu]

I don't know what these other countries John is talking about. Acording to my map theres only commies, smelly people and dragons outside the US.
http://users.aber.ac.uk/rnh2/_web_files/world_map.gif

[Skean Dhu]

I don't know what these other countries John is talking about. Acording to my map theres only commies, smelly people and dragons outside the US.
http://users.aber.ac.uk/rnh2/_web_files/world_map.gif

[cyclonite4]

That letter... classic.... so true :D

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Also true about 'US English'...

Cleese still has it. :p

[cyclonite4]

That letter... classic.... so true :D

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Also true about 'US English'...

Cleese still has it. :p

[cyclonite4]

That letter... classic.... so true :D

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Also true about 'US English'...

Cleese still has it. :p

[tmp]

Laughed my ass off when I read that letter. I've always liked John Cleese's
sense of humour ! I'm glad he's playing the role of James Bond's gadgeteer.

[tmp]

Laughed my ass off when I read that letter. I've always liked John Cleese's
sense of humour ! I'm glad he's playing the role of James Bond's gadgeteer.

[tmp]

Laughed my ass off when I read that letter. I've always liked John Cleese's
sense of humour ! I'm glad he's playing the role of James Bond's gadgeteer.

[festergrump]

I love his humor, too. Mostly in "Farty Towels" (Oops, I mean Faulty Towers) and Monty's...

I wonder if he writes alot of his own material. Didn't Prunella Scales write all his stuff for him in FT? A brit would know for sure, I think.

What we get in the southeastern states from England is minimal at best without cable or dish, which I have neither. No Benny Hill, MPFC, Red Dwarf, and definitely no Dave Allen at Large. Hell, you can't even rent Dave Allen on video here that I've seen. I'd gladly drink my gnat piss (it's spelled with a G, John) warm and flat if I could just trade some old Martha Stewart cooking shows on PBS for some BBC goodies every now and then...

No fricken Dr. Who here, either. It's not supposed to be humorous, but it IS, and generally entertaining as well. Tom Baker, nuff said. [/rant] :( :o

Cleese is such an animated character. That's what drives his humor right through you like a spike! Who in America COULD take that man seriously?

[festergrump]

I love his humor, too. Mostly in "Farty Towels" (Oops, I mean Faulty Towers) and Monty's...

I wonder if he writes alot of his own material. Didn't Prunella Scales write all his stuff for him in FT? A brit would know for sure, I think.

What we get in the southeastern states from England is minimal at best without cable or dish, which I have neither. No Benny Hill, MPFC, Red Dwarf, and definitely no Dave Allen at Large. Hell, you can't even rent Dave Allen on video here that I've seen. I'd gladly drink my gnat piss (it's spelled with a G, John) warm and flat if I could just trade some old Martha Stewart cooking shows on PBS for some BBC goodies every now and then...

No fricken Dr. Who here, either. It's not supposed to be humorous, but it IS, and generally entertaining as well. Tom Baker, nuff said. [/rant] :( :o

Cleese is such an animated character. That's what drives his humor right through you like a spike! Who in America COULD take that man seriously?

[festergrump]

I love his humor, too. Mostly in "Farty Towels" (Oops, I mean Faulty Towers) and Monty's...

I wonder if he writes alot of his own material. Didn't Prunella Scales write all his stuff for him in FT? A brit would know for sure, I think.

What we get in the southeastern states from England is minimal at best without cable or dish, which I have neither. No Benny Hill, MPFC, Red Dwarf, and definitely no Dave Allen at Large. Hell, you can't even rent Dave Allen on video here that I've seen. I'd gladly drink my gnat piss (it's spelled with a G, John) warm and flat if I could just trade some old Martha Stewart cooking shows on PBS for some BBC goodies every now and then...

No fricken Dr. Who here, either. It's not supposed to be humorous, but it IS, and generally entertaining as well. Tom Baker, nuff said. [/rant] :( :o

Cleese is such an animated character. That's what drives his humor right through you like a spike! Who in America COULD take that man seriously?

[Third_Rail]

Done quite tongue in cheek. Look up what Cleese acutally thinks of America. :)

[Third_Rail]

Done quite tongue in cheek. Look up what Cleese acutally thinks of America. :)

[Third_Rail]

Done quite tongue in cheek. Look up what Cleese acutally thinks of America. :)

[Jacks Complete]

You can't have Dr. Who!

Otherwise Bush would have us invaded looking for WMD and Police boxes! (I wonder if he knows we have both?)

Cleese is very English, but he apparently spends a lot of time States-side, due to his daughter and his new wife.

[Jacks Complete]

You can't have Dr. Who!

Otherwise Bush would have us invaded looking for WMD and Police boxes! (I wonder if he knows we have both?)

Cleese is very English, but he apparently spends a lot of time States-side, due to his daughter and his new wife.

[Jacks Complete]

You can't have Dr. Who!

Otherwise Bush would have us invaded looking for WMD and Police boxes! (I wonder if he knows we have both?)

Cleese is very English, but he apparently spends a lot of time States-side, due to his daughter and his new wife.

[megalomania]

Roundabouts! Never! They are the worst things to hit the streets since the Corvair.

[megalomania]

Roundabouts! Never! They are the worst things to hit the streets since the Corvair.

[megalomania]

Roundabouts! Never! They are the worst things to hit the streets since the Corvair.

[Silentnite]

The whole british television thing doesnt make sense to me. I watched Whose line is it anyways 1 and 2. 1 being the british version and 2 being the updated american version. 1 is usually... dumb. And I am almost always for dumb humor, just ask my g-friend. But the american version is hillarious.

Maybe its that delightful Wayne Brady :rolleyes:

That roundabout thing reminded me of a time I was watching a discovery channel deal where this lady could only turn left. She couldnt turn right. And she lived in england and sometimes had to go hours out of her way.

If I recall the Devil car(license plate 666) was also in europe.

[Silentnite]

The whole british television thing doesnt make sense to me. I watched Whose line is it anyways 1 and 2. 1 being the british version and 2 being the updated american version. 1 is usually... dumb. And I am almost always for dumb humor, just ask my g-friend. But the american version is hillarious.

Maybe its that delightful Wayne Brady :rolleyes:

That roundabout thing reminded me of a time I was watching a discovery channel deal where this lady could only turn left. She couldnt turn right. And she lived in england and sometimes had to go hours out of her way.

If I recall the Devil car(license plate 666) was also in europe.

[Silentnite]

The whole british television thing doesnt make sense to me. I watched Whose line is it anyways 1 and 2. 1 being the british version and 2 being the updated american version. 1 is usually... dumb. And I am almost always for dumb humor, just ask my g-friend. But the american version is hillarious.

Maybe its that delightful Wayne Brady :rolleyes:

That roundabout thing reminded me of a time I was watching a discovery channel deal where this lady could only turn left. She couldnt turn right. And she lived in england and sometimes had to go hours out of her way.

If I recall the Devil car(license plate 666) was also in europe.

[Jacks Complete]

The devil car? REV666? I know the chap - he's a vicar!

The DVLA were really wotsit about selling it until he proved he was a man of god, and not of the church of satan!

He got in the paper, and then one of the car mags, and a legend was born.

[Jacks Complete]

The devil car? REV666? I know the chap - he's a vicar!

The DVLA were really wotsit about selling it until he proved he was a man of god, and not of the church of satan!

He got in the paper, and then one of the car mags, and a legend was born.

[Jacks Complete]

The devil car? REV666? I know the chap - he's a vicar!

The DVLA were really wotsit about selling it until he proved he was a man of god, and not of the church of satan!

He got in the paper, and then one of the car mags, and a legend was born.

[Child-of-Bodom]

It seems that it isn't John's own text, see: http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/governmen...evocation_b.htm

It's great anyway, and he is at least right about the beer part, now I'm in the UK I start to like bitter more than lager...

[Child-of-Bodom]

It seems that it isn't John's own text, see: http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/governmen...evocation_b.htm

It's great anyway, and he is at least right about the beer part, now I'm in the UK I start to like bitter more than lager...

[Child-of-Bodom]

It seems that it isn't John's own text, see: http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/governmen...evocation_b.htm

It's great anyway, and he is at least right about the beer part, now I'm in the UK I start to like bitter more than lager...

[Silentnite]

I just looked up Vicar as it was a new word to me. I can't believe that a person like that would have owned REV666. Did he give a reason for it in the paper?? Jeeze. Our clergy-men have kinda relaxed a little haven't they? :rolleyes:

I personally think beer tastes worse then piss. Give me a good liqour any time. :D

And of course I found the Obligatory American response thanks to Child-Of-Bodom's link, There are two, so be patient:

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.

DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.


TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

I personally like the second one better. The teletubbies are horrible. :p

[Silentnite]

I just looked up Vicar as it was a new word to me. I can't believe that a person like that would have owned REV666. Did he give a reason for it in the paper?? Jeeze. Our clergy-men have kinda relaxed a little haven't they? :rolleyes:

I personally think beer tastes worse then piss. Give me a good liqour any time. :D

And of course I found the Obligatory American response thanks to Child-Of-Bodom's link, There are two, so be patient:

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.

DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.


TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

I personally like the second one better. The teletubbies are horrible. :p

[Silentnite]

I just looked up Vicar as it was a new word to me. I can't believe that a person like that would have owned REV666. Did he give a reason for it in the paper?? Jeeze. Our clergy-men have kinda relaxed a little haven't they? :rolleyes:

I personally think beer tastes worse then piss. Give me a good liqour any time. :D

And of course I found the Obligatory American response thanks to Child-Of-Bodom's link, There are two, so be patient:

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.

DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.


TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

I personally like the second one better. The teletubbies are horrible. :p

[Child-of-Bodom]

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

Outch, that must hurt... but it forgets to mention the coffee... They should invite some people from Europe who teach them how to drink PROPER coffee, which means they add a large tablespoon (at least!) per cup of coffee in a cafietiere.
Instant coffee must be banned, and companies should install coffee machines on every corner.
Adding milk to coffee other than a proper capucino must be forbidden, to forbid milk in tea is maybe bit rude in once, but say that no more than 1/4 of the cup should be milk.
(No, I didn't have a proper cup of coffee since Good Friday! :( )

[Child-of-Bodom]

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

Outch, that must hurt... but it forgets to mention the coffee... They should invite some people from Europe who teach them how to drink PROPER coffee, which means they add a large tablespoon (at least!) per cup of coffee in a cafietiere.
Instant coffee must be banned, and companies should install coffee machines on every corner.
Adding milk to coffee other than a proper capucino must be forbidden, to forbid milk in tea is maybe bit rude in once, but say that no more than 1/4 of the cup should be milk.
(No, I didn't have a proper cup of coffee since Good Friday! :( )

[Child-of-Bodom]

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

Outch, that must hurt... but it forgets to mention the coffee... They should invite some people from Europe who teach them how to drink PROPER coffee, which means they add a large tablespoon (at least!) per cup of coffee in a cafietiere.
Instant coffee must be banned, and companies should install coffee machines on every corner.
Adding milk to coffee other than a proper capucino must be forbidden, to forbid milk in tea is maybe bit rude in once, but say that no more than 1/4 of the cup should be milk.
(No, I didn't have a proper cup of coffee since Good Friday! :( )

[tmp]

In Amerca we call certain idiotic classes of peole as "jerk-offs". I absolutely,
love the Brtiish term "wankers" - short, sweet, and to the point ! I've been
accustomed to using it for every slack-jawed asshole who crosses my path !
When I look at lineage, I find that 1 side descends from Scottish royaty and
the other side from Ireland.

So, FUCK OFF YOU BLOODY WANKERS !

[tmp]

In Amerca we call certain idiotic classes of peole as "jerk-offs". I absolutely,
love the Brtiish term "wankers" - short, sweet, and to the point ! I've been
accustomed to using it for every slack-jawed asshole who crosses my path !
When I look at lineage, I find that 1 side descends from Scottish royaty and
the other side from Ireland.

So, FUCK OFF YOU BLOODY WANKERS !

[tmp]

In Amerca we call certain idiotic classes of peole as "jerk-offs". I absolutely,
love the Brtiish term "wankers" - short, sweet, and to the point ! I've been
accustomed to using it for every slack-jawed asshole who crosses my path !
When I look at lineage, I find that 1 side descends from Scottish royaty and
the other side from Ireland.

So, FUCK OFF YOU BLOODY WANKERS !