Meet the kings of KEWL...

[festergrump]

...the Mall Ninjas.

Certainly these must be the guys that literally forced the term "Mall Ninja" to be coined on so many boards all over the internet.

Always remember them diligently serving your community, especially as we rapidly approach the Christmas shopping season. We may all (at one point or another) owe our very lives to these fearless crusaders.

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

I laughed until my sides hurt and tears welled up in my eyes... Hilarious!

[mrtnira]

Festergump, thank you for that link. It prompted me to forward it to a few friends with this commentary:
-------
Okay, it's only painful if you read it. It's done by an obvious professional whose bulletin board (or access to one) drew a bunch of over-self-esteemed security guards or militia men, all living out a Rambo fantasy.

And to think, yes, I was a night watchman during my days in college. Did I get the kind of ordnance these guys are playing with? No! I had to fight to defend the freedom and safety of others with my bare hands (!), and with my superior verbal judo to "talk down" a threatening situation, all while 5-O was responding Code Three (red lights and siren) to my 10-20.

One of the threads this guy quotes is a hoot. Some guy has bought himself body armor to take rounds while his backup assembles a weapon. I don't get that. Let's think this one through: I'm a bullet magnet, hoping to catch rounds all on the small protective plate of the body armor, while counting on a partner who may just crap out under the stress?

If you see me in my black ninja jump suit in the office, it's only because I've stopped mentally projecting to your mind the image of a business suit. It's so you can see the real me.
------------

I hope you catch my comments were humor, and not that I walk around deluding myself that mental projections are real.

One time, I met a Trekkie who kept trying to read my mind or influence it by staring at me, intensely, his head rocking back and forth just a bit as if to physically manifest the intensity of his mental focus....

This kind of thing happens when people stay too long in their own thoughts. People think too much of themselves, their status, or their presumed abilities.

I remember seeing a photo of a cop, he was dead. His body was on the ground as if he had slipped, face up, arms out. He was a shooting instructor, but on the day of this one call he had forgotten to load his weapon, and it turned out that was the day he needed it.

That image is related to the thread in a way. In his own mind, the gun was loaded.

[Cobalt.45]

Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day.

If you want to laugh at somebody, try laughing at the sheep out there who go to the mall unarmed trusting in me to stand guiard over their lives like a God.

mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded.

and thgus far they have missed both time they shot the decoy before confiscation could be initiated.

and our carbines will be supplied by Hi-Point, or handguns by Lorcin, our backup weapons by Jennings, and our SMG’s and 7.62 battle rifles(SW3’s) by Special Weapons. We only deal with the best, and we feel that the caliber(pun for those of you not to sheeplike to notice) of weapons we have chosen are at the very top of their class.

HUMGEE (”g” for golfcart)

(w)e were regularily rotated between 4 stations. A local Food City supermarket was designated Sector Alpha-Niner, the Jiffy Lube was Bravo-Lima-Fiver, the local $1 movie theater was Golf-16 and finally, the most coveted assignment, the local mall or Zebra-1.

me were regularily rotated between 4 stations. A local Food City supermarket was designated Sector Alpha-Niner, the Jiffy Lube was Bravo-Lima-Fiver, the local $1 movie theater was Golf-16 and finally, the most coveted assignment, the local mall or Zebra-1.

and years in a dark secret Russian prison center had honed my natural night vision to that of a tomcat.

jumped up with my trusty K-Bar, and threw it into the perp’s arm, pinning him against the wall behind him.

My belief is that they were planning to hijack the coveted Mortal Combat game unit.

Festergrump, this is a gem!

I had planned to comment on the highlights I'd picked out, but there are far too many.

But, my favorite has to be "BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual."

Truly classic.

To moderator: Sorry that this went much too long, edit if necessary.

[simply RED]

"You all who are makeing fun of" him "have never been threatened by jailed drug dealers, serial killers, and shoplifters, or fired at by high powered rifles" !!!

[nbk2000]

...someone said that my Tac Team doesn’t get training.



I the liutenant of a 3 man Rapid Tactical Force Team, in one of the nation’s largest indoor retail shopping centers.


Wow, a 'Tac Team'...for a mall...because of 'unruly shoppers'. :rolleyes:

But we'll be safe, because he is 'a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls.'.

I feel safer already. :P

WTF is an 'electric transportation cart'? That wouldn't be a GOLF CART, would it? :D

I had to stop reading it 'cause I was laughing so hard I was getting a headache.

[ShadowMyGeekSpace]

Wow. Just, wow. Thank you very much for this festergrump, I needed a good laugh.

[megalomania]

Oh man, that’s rich. Do you know what security is supposed to do in a violent situation? Call the real police, with the real guns. The last thing you need is a security guard firing less-than-lethal rounds into a crowd of holiday shoppers. And what kind of dumb shit trusts his life to a vest anyway? One guard with a concealed carry .45 that actually knew how to use it would be more effective than some rambo psudo-swat strike force seal team wannabes.

If those guards did hurt a bystander, they, and the mall, and their security company would all be sued. Guards always catch all the shit in a situation like this, so it’s best to let the people die. You observe, report, and let the kops do their job. It retail, not Baghdad.

[ShadowMyGeekSpace]

I dunno man, they had RPG-7s! Sounds like Baghdad to me, rofl.

[hst45]

We all owe a debt of gratitude to those who keep the Hickory Farms stand safe from larcenous felons.

Years ago I worked a summer job as a mall rent-a-cop. There were two types of us there. Those like me, who just wanted a fuck-off job for the summer with no heavy lifting, and the special-forces legends in their own minds. If you're too stupid to get on the police force, too weak for the military, can't climb a ladder as a fireman, fear not, the Mall awaits. Ah, the fulfilling life of the martial arts master and firearms expert!

Now if he can just save up enough money to move out of his moms basement and buy his own car.......

[tmp]

Tactical teams for malls ? Does Al-Quaeda have a wing devoted to
shoplifting now ? I've NEVER seen armed security in the malls where
I live. During the Christmas shopping days they'll have unarmed
security teamed up with off-duty county cops. That's for the
opportunistic smack-and-grab thieves or those who break into the
cars of shoppers dumb enough to leave their purchases in plain view.

I loved this little gem though:
The HK MP5SD we tesst fired was quiet, but kept jamminng with Hydra-Shoks.
If he's describing a machinegun then of course it won't cycle hollowpoints
reliably. Machineguns are designed for ball ammo.

[ShadowMyGeekSpace]

The MP5SD is an SMG, and feeds Hydrashok JHPs (Jacketed hollow points) just fine, and it's the most commonly used round in the MP5. The kid was talking out of his ass.

[Jacks Complete]

I've just finished reading it, and it was a wonderful experiance. I bet a dollar that the guy who posted the "you are risking your cover" post was from the same IP as the Mall Ninja. And that wind-up post was fantastic...

5 stars. :)

[Chris The Great]

Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines

Had me almost rolling on the floor. Wounding fire for shoplifters! LOL

Thanks a ton for sharing that gem! :D

[c.Tech]

If you ask me it seems like some special forces wannabe smoked a little bit too much of the green stuff and went psychotic, now his has the privilege of the delusion being a ‘mall ninja’ living his dream.

Good for him, one more psychotic lunatic trying to get their hands on heavy weapons. ;)

Thanks for that fester, it was hilarious. :)

[nbk2000]

A whole forum dedicated to the Mall Ninja:

http://forums.securityinfowatch.com/index.php?

[sbovisjb1]

WOW! I stopped reading after one paragraph, because i had to overcome my urge to smack my self in the face repeatedly. At first i thought it was a joke (i hope it is) then i thought they were 8-10 year old boys having a bit of fun. I hope its one of those, because for full grown men to be doing such a thing is just pitiful.