'if it wasn't illegal swim wouldn't even consider giving up.'
He said it right there.
In the face of the law, making an illegal drug it isnt even comparable to following a recipe.
See, it all comes down to your temprement and willingness to take risks.
If your happy to have all your reagants around the place on-tap, in order for you to be able to do a rxn every week or less that's fine.
But not everyone has the nerve for that.
95 times out of 100 the guy/bee who is less anxious and paranoid will get further quicker, and will be happier because of his/her willingness to take those extra risks.
But it's the 5% chance of disaster that the more anxious (and paranoid) people cater for, because being caught could mean lot's of things to them...even suicide.
Look man, take a break is my advice, it's obviously getting to ya and your dreadfully frustrated aswell. you can always come back to it.