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Clandestine chemistry and mental health
timescale7017:
Thank you Sawdust and everyone for addressing this. It can be a heavy burden to carry and much of the time it has to be carried alone. I can say personally that I've struggled at times between the extremes of seeing my work as a glorious challenge of personal improvement and as a silly and immature waste of time and money. In reality, it's probably a bit of both.
I've come to the realization that it's nearly time for me to hang up the coat for at least a good few years, and focus on actual academic research. Maybe grow some shrooms if I need a hobby ;)
Kasey Jones:
I got involved in this hobby initially because I couldn't find any real mdma. I spent about a year collecting all the items of Methyl Man's write up and secured real sassafras oil off the auction site, right before it became super scarce. I was lucky to find this forum and I am so grateful to Moriarty, Cerium, Roid rage and Spice for all their input throughout the years. When you first succeed in making your own X it's an incredible feeling. You have successfully jumped ahead in the supply chain and you feel powerful. You want to tell everyone "look what I made!" But doing so is like handing a loaded pistol to someone. It's extremely hard to do this hobby because you have to keep it so secret. It eats you up. The nature of mdma can make you trust the wrong people. And once one person knows, 5 people know. I'm lucky that I was in my early 40s when I started as I would have told too many idiots in my 20s and got knocked for the rest of my life:( Eventually, if you're smart, you realize that the price of doing this hobby is telling no one you know IRL and vent on here with your bee brothers. The chemistry is great on here, but having a place to discuss the side issues is priceless.
AustralisAlchemy:
--- Quote --- I'm always here to listen to rants in DMs, or if someone just needs to talk.
--- End quote ---
My inbox is always open to anyone also.
It is incredibly difficult, and no one ever said how hard it would actually be to be a 'clandestine chemist'. I have always maintained a certain base level of paranoia, but this hobby has greatly increased it. Is that a bad thing? I have no doubt I am on a spiritual journey in regards to chemistry. Money never interested me, power never interested me, but the workings of our physical reality greatly interest me. I am not a violent criminal, and I am not a greedy criminal, but I am still considered a criminal because of my desire for knowledge. It is my belief that there should be no barriers to educating ones self. Regulations? Licenses? I get it, I can understand the reasons behind them, but I won't allow them to hold me back from learning things. This entire journey, the whole path, it is one great learning lesson. While I get paranoid whenever I hear a knock at the door, or see an undercover police car near my house, I wouldn't trade it for ignorance. Who knows where this path will lead me? Prison? Dead? Employed? It has opened many doors I did not ever consider even existed, and I've only just started my experience. I believe that if you are a grounded person, interested in the pursuit of knowledge, this hobby can take you beyond the stars ;)
loft:
Thank you for starting this discussion S&H.
I couldn't agree more with what has been already been said.
The struggles are real, so they say. Paranoia is definitely a thing, and I'm on board with xdragon's supression tactic.
--- Quote from: xdragon on April 12, 2022, 09:11:45 PM ---If I'd be aware of how much this hobby could truly destroy my life... I'd probably not be here and I wouldn't be in the lab. Let's just hope that things stay civil.
--- End quote ---
Times change, and if you're really into chemistry (and the timing is right), chances are chemistry will become your profession at some point (not in a drugs selling way, but in an academic/industrial legal way). It's comforting to know that I'll always be able to prepare a drug I'm interested in if I want to, but being surrounded by chemistry all day at work and doing exactly what I would do in my private lab (but just with legal targets) also reduced my desire to do home chemistry.
There will probably be a point in every clandestine chemists life, when you almost get caught. In this moment, you might rethink the hobby and decide that it's not worth the fun and excitement to go to prison and loose years of your life. All the suppression can't help at this point. (Now I see how this topic really will not have a positive feel to it.) It might be important to point out that this realization usually doesn't last long. Unless you act immediately, it's very likely that you'll fall back into your supressive safe zone.
I can also agree with timescales comment on carrying this burden alone. Talking about problems usually helps but at least IRL, this option is most often not existent. There are very few, very close people in my life who know about my hobby - but just the legal side, doing SM-like innocent experiments from time to time.
xdragon:
--- Quote from: loft on April 14, 2022, 06:37:42 AM ---Times change, and if you're really into chemistry (and the timing is right), chances are chemistry will become your profession at some point (not in a drugs selling way, but in an academic/industrial legal way).
--- End quote ---
Of course my sentence was meant to be "I wouldn't be in the lab doing (illegal) drug chemistry" ;D
--- Quote from: loft on April 14, 2022, 06:37:42 AM ---It might be important to point out that this realization usually doesn't last long. Unless you act immediately, it's very likely that you'll fall back into your supressive safe zone.
--- End quote ---
It won't even last long if you do indeed end up throwing away your collection. Been there, done that.
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