Use glass that have the hooks for the metal springs. Although in experience, you will spend alot of time chasing those suckers if your fine motor skills are hampered by large hands.

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there's a big difference between criticizing your government and criticizing your country

I exclusively use metal clips. Not the one resembling keck clips, they look different and will hold the glass together with considerable force (supplied by a spring). They could even be used for reactions under pressure.
These thingies will last for years and are unbreakable since they are made from stainless steel. I've yet to come across a pic of them online and I don't have a working camera around, so no pics unfortunately.

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I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.

any ideas/suggestions for the poor ghetto dreamer?

For the clips? Buy them, they aren't expensive.

are a little expensive, maybe $120+ each, and are hard to come by in the used market.  Try to get 2 just in case one breaks.  These cows are very delicate because of their irregular shape.  There isn't really any good way to ghetto-rig one that swim can think of.  Swiy should just sell some product, a gram will buy swiy a brand new cow!

Hmmm... I can't find a picture... Let me look a little more... Basically, it's a metal cylinder about 12" across, 1 1/2 feet high, and insulated inside to retain heat...  Tight fitting lid... Anything similar will do...

I just gutted it an made the adjustments I mentioned...

Then just take a heating coil, and attached it to a variac, and put it inside through where the spigot was... It can get well over 250 degrees Celsius, and the outside stays *fairly* cool...

https://www.thevespiary.org/rhodium/Rhodium/hive/hiveboard/picproxie_docs/000360482-file_ybqf.gif" title="View this image">
https://www.thevespiary.org/rhodium/Rhodium/hive/hiveboard/picproxie_docs/000360482-file_mkya.gif" title="View this image">
1. Cover
2. Coffee Basket
3. Stem
4. Heating Unit Well
5. Serving Spout
6. Ready Light

This type of cow won't allow the contents of the flasks to spill when the unit is rotated.  The cow sits off a 105 degree vacuum takeoff which has a longer, bent tube which allows the distillate to fall into each receiving flask:

https://www.thevespiary.org/rhodium/Rhodium/hive/hiveboard/picproxie_docs/000360482-file_y5vk.gif" title="View this image">

 It looks like the one chicken posted, here's a link to the exact make..

http://www.comforthouse.com/comfort/12cupcof.html

  It was cut down just below the handles, and had the coil unwound and lifted up.  Apparently there's a built in thermostat, I didn't see a variac around it.  No cooling was used, ran primary bulb into the heating chamber, 2 secondaries and a take off. The w/washer was a 2.5" dia motor 4" long that moved an arm up and down, which then rotated the bulbs.

  I thought of several improvements, a teflon bushing in the slot on the urn would be a good idea for turning.  A hair dryer or hot air gun would probably be more effective/efficient for heating things up.  The pump went through a dry ice trap... "Neccessary for good vaccuum" was the quote...

  He had remarked earlier that this was how he got those 5ml quantities of final product to distill to water white oils in the book...

   It was quite impressive!

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Infinite Radiant Light - THKRA

The Kugelrohr is very well suited to distill high-boiling stuff, compounds with a high molecular weight, tars and maybe even solids, but it will produce only poor separation efficiency. You can't successfully separate ketone and isosafrole, to give an example. Both will distill together.

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I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.

Axatax, I just bought that exact model you got in the picture there.  It's really nice.  It cost me a little over $300, however, what sucks about it is that the biggest size they make it in, 24/40, which is the one I got, can only fit four 50 mL flasks on it, so maybe you could distill a maximum of 50 or 55 mL.  I don't know, I was thinking i could use two or three of the flasks to collect that yellowish-green oil I love so much (lime extract of course   ) and the other one or two to collect everything else, and that way be able to distill larger quantities.  Not that I even have large quantities to distill (yet)